loom's top 10 WORST songs of all time

[POP!]

Now Travis I tried during my '08 'straight MoR rock' phase and even then I thought they were beyond dreary and limp, but "Why Does It Always Rain on Me" was one of the few I thought were OK, but again, nothing special.

[loomer]

The Divine Comedy - National Express

Oooh, named after DANTE are we? How "highbrow". Not DIVINE at all, godawful more like.

Speaking of Steven Wells, his review of this single is quite possibly the best piece of journalism I've ever seen. An utterly DISGUSTING record as smug bishop's son Neil Hannon observes the working classes as they travel cheaply on a coach. Oooh, aren't those ruffians AWFUL? What pathetic people they must be! Let's all laugh at them. Patronising CUNT. I'm sure those supposedly beneath him must have much better and more interesting lives than him.

And the irony is, this is all set to his horrific TESCO VALUE Scott Walker wannabe tones - he's not quite at the level he thinks or would like to be at to make such scathing value judgements. A more insufferable record on almost every level I'd be hard pressed to think of. Thank GOD he fucked off.

[Andricicle]

my '08 'straight MoR rock' phase

Who can forget Viva la vida or Death and All His Friends coming #1 in an All-Time Albums chart of yours about three weeks after release?

I actually do like that Travis song, in spite of all the overplay (any footage of rainfall on TV -> 3 guesses what the incidental music is ) and even if it's the weakest single off its rather lovely parent album. "Driftwood" gets to me to the most, sometimes I'm just wet as a soaked mop like that. It can't be Joy Div or The Cure's Pornography on the stereo all the time.

[loomer]

Driftwood is barely OK. That and the Wonderfull rip off

[Andricicle]

I did go through a Divine Comedy phase when I was about 19 and I thought they were the height of wit and sophistication in pop, but these days the gorgeous "Tonight We Fly" and the Lauren Laverne-featuring "Come Home Billy Bird" are just about the only songs I'd readily listen to. Neil Hannon seems to be bigger on the continent than in Britain nowadays, he contributed lyrics to the massive Air-produced 5:55 album by Charlotte Gainsbourg a few years back.

As for "National Express", I first heard it on TOTP, where the lyrics were censored to "it's hard to get by when your *bleep* is the size of a small country". For a long time my depraved teenage mind thought it was meant to be 'cock' (as in him getting uncomfortable hard-ons whilst on the coach ), large was my disappointment upon finding out it's actually 'arse'.

[loomer]

lolz

WonderWALL rip off RATHER. I swear, half the time I type before I've looked what I've said

[Andricicle]

And what's a Wonderwall anyway?

[POP!]

Who can forget Viva la vida or Death and All His Friends coming #1 in an All-Time Albums chart of yours about three weeks after release?

I do still love it to pieces and will always defend it as an album, but #1 album of all time it ain't

Though I'm sure 15 years from now the usual suspects will claim it to be.

[Donna Winter]

I did go through a Divine Comedy phase when I was about 19 and I thought they were the height of wit and sophistication in pop, but these days the gorgeous "Tonight We Fly" and the Lauren Laverne-featuring "Come Home Billy Bird" are just about the only songs I'd readily listen to.

I could never find it in my heart to dislike 'Songs Of Love' aka 'Theme From Father Ted'

And his covers introduced me to the works of STEPHIN MERRITT

he contributed lyrics to the massive Air-produced 5:55 album by Charlotte Gainsbourg a few years back.

And this is a MARVEL

I quite like 'National Express' but then I AM a SNOB

[loomer]

The new Charlotte album is magnifique from what I've heard

I suppose the one about him clearing shit out of a horse's stable was funny, and yes, you can't go wrong with Father Ted but just UGH to him otherwise - even if I'm ALSO a snob, but him and Blur really wound me up with their "working class vignettes". Stuck up twats!

And YES, Stephin MERRIT is the better version of The Divine Comedy (and the horrendous Rufus Wainwright for that matter)

lol @ the tag. "Another Day In Paradise" (aka a song for Menly) would get the nod in his case.

[Loufoque]

This thread really is a TOP 25 DIVA MOMENT

Long may it continue

[Jark]

Oh my god I absolutely love the number 1 and 6-10 songs.

[Pipo]

I know right, I think that Loom would die of a heart attack if he saw my iPod

[K@ne]

Me too. I am fascinated by loomer's tirades against and hatred of artists like Tina Turner, who is one of my absolute favourtites. Love all the 80s pomp rock like We Built This City that riles him so much too

[loomer]

Heart - All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You

Lets leave aside the uber generic tasteless AOR cock rock bilge for a moment - which is certainly NOT on a par as previous power ballad "classics" such as "Alone" - and focus on the lyrical message of this absymal abortion of a record. It's creepy to say the least.

Bitch picks up a stranger when she's ovulating (or just likes to pick up strange guys since the junkie motel was 'a place she knew well'), spends all night gettin' busy with the stranger and then leaves some kind of hippie-shit cryptic note on his pillow in the morning - like the guy would actually bother looking for her. He probably just thought, 'dude - I scored!'.

Then later on they cross paths and then she tells him 'I'm in love with another man, I just needed to find a stranger to knock me up after god-only-knows how many attempts'. Looks like she had tried before in this motel with a LOT of other guys already.

Didn't this dumb cow ever hear of a SPERM BANK?! And this was the 80s/90s - AIDS! And where was the other man she "loved so much" while she was going around trolling for hitchhikers to use like a piece of meat. Disturbing! And the song isn't even about love making anyway, it's about dirty sex with a stranger. Worst storytelling record ever.

[K@ne]

LOL.

I don't mind the song but thematically it's a mess, yes.

[loomer]

Sugababes - Girls

This is the worst song I've EVER heard. Appalling and hideous on every level and the soundtrack to every awful pissed up orange coloured chavettes Wkd fuelled night out from hell - with vomiting and fighting on the streets on a Saturday night. In Preston (actually I quite like it there, seems SOPHISTICATED to a neanderthal like me).

Boots need to be shot for foisting this horrific dross on us - two bloody years in a row to boot, after ruining the previous rather great Northern Soul song. Shame on them and this rightly ended the Babes career. The cracks had already begun to show long before but this cynical opportunistic Ronson-esque tosh was the last nail in their coffin. Oh WELL. All good things come to an end and their decade at the top was unusually long in pop considering the multiple Supremes-style line-up changes - can GIRLS in bands EVER stick together?

The ONLY way this should be heard

[Lunar Foetus]

I might do one of these one day! I have a few songs I could happily rip into

[monsta]

Girls IS the worst song ever.

[Mats]

I’m all for fairytale comebacks from wife bashing protagonists but in a just world she would have been more like Florence Ballard or drawing her pension and huddled by her calor gas heater coughing phlegm into a hankie and spilling her pennies over the post office.

oh LOOMS

agree with every single entry

[Zodiac]

I could never find it in my heart to dislike 'Songs Of Love' aka 'Theme From Father Ted'

And his covers introduced me to the works of STEPHIN MERRITT

And this is most certainly NO BAD THING


Loving the write ups...

[loomer]

http://www.play.com/Music/CD/4-/1434...d/Product.html

CUNT!

[Pipo]

I might do one of these one day! I have a few songs I could happily rip into

looking forward to your Ke$ha infested countdown

[loomer]

Tom Jones – It’s Not Unusual

This is a fucking AWFUL record. With this and the heinous likes of “Delilah”, the male Lulu blighted all wedding discos forever after with his rancid kitsch. His much vaunted “great voice” is akin to a miner trying to hack up phlegm and makes one yearn for the subtlety of compatriot Shirley Bassey or the dulcet tones of Tina Turner.

What IS unusual is why anybody threw their knickers at the leathery old beach ball head in the first place, even in his “prime” he looked like some old perv you’d find at the back of a working man’s club. Groce. But the fact they bought his records in droves is the greater mystery. And it’s quite a shame in a way, cause some of the instrumentation on those early records made with the likes of Bacharach and Barry was gorgeous, only to have it all bludgeoned out by that flat bark, ignoring any of the song’s nuance and crying out for Dusty to do them justice.

Then he would make an ironic post modern comeback where allegedly cool indie types who should know better pretended to like him all along, to terrorize us once more with hen night shit in the form of the despicable “Sex Bomb”, and being the worst artist on “Perfect Day” matched by shouty kindred spirit Heather Small. The epitome of vile.

[Loufoque]

YAY!

[Donna Winter]

I secretly like 'Sex Bomb' purely because the REPULSIVE SLEAZINESS of it TURNS MY STOMACH

[Dark Carnival]

Oh yes! Tom Jones is indeed the epitome of VILE. He really should be a bigger hate figure on moopy. Like LULU.

[Andricicle]

Oh, I do like a good round of 'Loomer disappearing off Moopy/the face of the planet for a year and a half, only to randomly return and bump up an old topic with the same exquisite level of bile as before'

As for Tom The Tiger, I've never been too fond either, though a handful of the hits (including INA) are on my iPod. Him attracting women seems as big a mystery of nature as Rod Stewart attracting women

Sadly I can't find many online quotes from his stellar Rock Profile (I was looking for the ones on Shaky and Dicky Turpin), just this typically Aspergian Wiki write-up:

Tom Jones and Shirley Bassey Both argue about who has had more success, and list their successful songs. Tom Jones (Walliams) keeps confusing celebrities who have complimented him; for example he believed that Elvis named him the best singer of his generation when it turned out to be Shakin' Stevens who made the comment. Shirley Bassey (Lucas) bears resemblance to Little Britain's Bubbles.

[lolly]

BARF

[Andricicle]

*saves to the wank bank, in the same subfolder as the Lauren Harries beach pics*