MELFEST! MELFEST! MELFEST! BACK! BACK! BACK! Yes, everyone's favourite not-quite-as-good-as-it-used-to-be-but-then-again-nothing-really-is-when-you're-on-the-wrong-side-of-30 Eurovision pre-contest extravaganza returns to our screens this Saturday. Last year, Heat One gave us Ace Wilder going full Aqua in juicy couture and remarkably picking up votes, Charlotte Perrelli lighting a campfire on her glorious legacy and being deservedly sent home in disgrace, Dinah Nah delivering the most quintessential fifth-placer in Melfest history and much, much less. Let's have a look at our runners and riders this time around, shall we? 1. Sigrid Bernson - Patrick Swayze (Andrej Kamnik, Josefin Glenmark, Peg Parnevik, Sigrid Bernson) I see you Krista Siegfrids. I see you slinking away in defeat last year after the Swedish audience rejected yet another of your danceable delights. I see you staring into the mirror, wondering if the best of all the years have gone by. I see you putting a brave face on and taking calls about appearing on the next season of Dancing on Finno-Swedish Ice, the third-most viewed reality show on Finland's fifth most-viewed TV channel. I see you crying into a tub of Ben & Jerry's while that husband you only married to give yourself a cute callback for your Eurovision 2015 vote-reading gig ruins your 18th viewing of Dirty Dancing with his sleep apnoea. I see the idea forming as you turn up the volume on that iconic 80s soundtrack. I see your sad realisation that Christer Björkman hasn't returned your calls in 8 months. I see you walking a little more slowly past the local rhinoplasty and vowing that if this one doesn't work out you're definitely jacking it all in. I see you Krista. I see you. And I support you. 2. John Lundvik - My Turn (Anna-Klara Folin, John Lundvik, Jonas Thander) John Lundvik is a 35 year old songwriter and former sprinter who has written songs for Sanna Nielsen, Agnes, Anton Ewald and more, all while nurturing an insatiable hunger to step into the dizzying glare of the Swedish spotlight himself. He's been releasing material for the best part of a decade, but success has eluded him. Now he's been unceremoniously shoved into Heat One Slot Two of Melfest, a position formerly occupied by such immortals as Adrijana, Pernilla Andersson and Daniel Gildenlöw. The percentages say it all. 0% dance. 0% humour. John is not here to play around. This is his moment, dammit. If one of the other contestants from this heat is found murdered this week, search John's dressing room first. 3. Renaida - All The Feels (Laurell Barker, Jon Hällgren, Peter Barringer, Lukas Hällgren) As the past decade has painfully reminded us, Melfest cannot subsist on gay interest alone. Christer and his cronies need those millennial app votes to justify annually blowing 75% of SVT's budget on this thing. Renaida was born after the Spice Girls peaked and has probably never knowingly heard a Shirley Clamp song. Her song title vaguely sounds like a meme, or a form of slang used by teenage girls and quasi-ironic gays. It'll probably be quite fun and she might do fairly well. If it doesn't, she'll probably shrug her shoulders and move onto the next thing. Such is the unshakeable confidence of youth. She's 20 years away from squeezing herself into an ill-fitting wrap dress and honking down the lens of the camera with the air of a woman whose every moment onstage plays out like a desperate final throw of the dice. It's your world now, Renaida. KPI achieved. 4. Edward Blom - Livet på en pinne (Edward Blom, Thomas G:son, Stefan Brunzell, Kent Olsson) Edward Blom is a character. You can tell because he wears the kind of clothes that aren't specifically appropriate for any one occasion and has unacceptable hair. He's a popular TV chef, apparently, and now he's doing this because it's good synergy for his upcoming mini-series about Sweden's funniest abattoirs. It's going to be retro and nostalgic, because nobody under the age of 35 has a clue who he is, but they might vote him through anyway for the lolz. Three years from now he'll be embroiled in a career-ending rape scandal and we'll all feel a bit icky when we look back at this. 5. Kikki Danielsson - Osby Tennessee (Sulo Karlsson, Kikki Danielsson) A doughty old warhorse who's survived the journey from light entertainment to kitsch to vaguely respectable by dint of still hobbling on in spite of all the shit life throws at her, Kikki is minor Melfest royalty. She was last seen in this context swaying uncertainly through a hilarious bit of old tat in an alcoholic fugue state that made Sweden feel complicit/nostalgic enough that they sent her straight to the finals. Those were kinder times. Now she's back to bare her soul with a self-penned country number reflecting five decades of doing it the hard way. Like screening a phone call from their lonely alcoholic grandmother, Sweden will be kinda busy right now but will *definitely* come visit soon. 6. Kamferdrops - Solen lever kvar hos dig (Herbert Trus, Danne Attlerud, Martin Klaman, Krstoffer Tømmerbakke, Erik Smaaland, Kamferdrops) One person who might actually return poor sad old Kikki's call is this enigmatic Norwegian hipster, who's already repurposed a bit of the former's old rope as a sort of deadpan arthouse project that rang out on Generation Y Spotify Playlists in Digital Marketing offices from Göteborg to Gävle. She can't sing a note of course, and this would be bound to come hilariously unstuck in an Addis Black Widow stylee, if not for the disappointing sense that she'll probably style it out as a post modern comment on the futility of basic professionalism. 7. Benjamin Ingrosso - Dance You Off (Benjamin Ingrosso, MAG, Louis Schoorl, K Nita) Mother! I've submitted a song to Melfest again... Mother! I stopped shaving my shoulders again... Mother! I'm suppressing a full-blown anxiety attack while trying to look sexy again... Mother! I'm quietly wishing I'd had the courage to tell you I hated stage school and what I really wanted was to be a Dental Hygienist again... Mother! You're hurting me again... Mother! You're hurting me again... Mother... Mother... Oh Mother, please not the hose again... Lyrics and press reviews tomorrow. Full songs on Thursday apparently. Show kicks off 7pm UK time on Saturday.