The official LIZ JONES thread

Discussion in 'Current Affairs & Debate' started by Shirley, Jan 25, 2011.

  1. Shirley

    Shirley BIG-HEARTED BUNNY

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    I'm LIKING Liz Jones' wikipedia bibliography

    Bibliography

    * Bright Wings Broken (1996) ISBN 1-896-32995-0
    * Slave To The Rhythm: The Artist Formerly Known As Prince (1997) ISBN 0-316-64041-7
    * Liz Jones's Diary: How One Single Girl Got Married (2005) ISBN 1-844-00223-3
    * Fur Babies: Why We Love Cats (2007) ISBN 1-844-00518-6
    * The Exmoor Files: How I Lost A Husband And Found Rural Bliss (2009) ISBN 0-297-85443-7
    * How to be a vacuous parasite and help destroy British Culture: The Liz Jones Story' (2011) ISBN 1-701-2011
     
  2. Christian

    Christian GOOD BYE!

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    Liz is clearly barking and the author of some really RUM stuff

    JAN 'n' MEL are a whole OTHER level of offensive however and quite CHILLING with it
     
  3. Mugatu

    Mugatu onlyfans.com/mugatu

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    I didn't mind Liz's columns about how INCESSANTLY SHIT her life is (:eyes:) and how her husband was sticking it in another woman, but when she starts to think that she has the intellectual fortitude to speculate on murder cases then I'm DEAD AGAINST.
     
  4. JET BOY

    JET BOY PERVERSE

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    Liz Jones is BEYOND AMAZING, I LOVE HER. I meant to start a thread on her ages ago, her columns are just beyond ridiculous. I actually can't believe that a woman like her actually exists. One of my favourites is the one where she decides to declare herself POVERTY STRICKEN (Despite being one of the highest paid writers on Fleet Street) and asks her readers to send her cash IN THE POST to help her out, which they do, only for Liz the next week to declare that she wasn't being serious about people sending money in and donated it all to a BAT SANCTUARY or something.

    There was another amazing one where she had a huge rant about having to get a free tube of toothpaste in Boots because it was on buy one get one free, but she didn't one the free one as it made her feel common.

    Her face alone is absolute comedy -
    http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/12/21/article-1237311-0748FFC8000005DC-387_468x487.jpg

    If I can be bothered I will post some article links, her back catalogue of columns are QUITE THE TREAT.
     
  5. monsta

    monsta CAUGHT YOUR FEVER

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    Please source the Mary Portas - Secret Shopper inspired article. It's GOLD. She practically likens her ordeal at buying leggings in Topshop to being RAPED and SET ON FIRE. Liz also appears to have so much disdain for Zara because it's RUN BY BLOODY FOREIGNERS.

    Doesn't she look like Severus Snape?
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2011
  6. Jark

    Jark no gem too sultry

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    LOVELY KNEES :disco:
     
  7. wendy the goat

    wendy the goat Теги возврата

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    Nice pussy.
     
  8. TurnerPrize

    TurnerPrize time to dance

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    I've only seen bits of Liz's work, but i second the (often agog) love for her. She has seventeen cats!

    This week's column is NEPOTISM MUST STOP - BUT AFTER I HAVE FOUND A JOB FOR MY LOVELY NEPHEW. And that's a sane week for mad aunt Liz (and in fact the article is quite sweet for one of hers, credit to the mad bitch).
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2011
  9. Ag

    Ag BRING BACK TAGS

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    BRING BACK TAGS
    :D
     
  10. dmlaw

    dmlaw Democracy doesn't work

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    She asked people to post her money? I hope she got a few jiffy bags full of shit as well.
     
  11. monsta

    monsta CAUGHT YOUR FEVER

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    [​IMG]

     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2011
  12. monsta

    monsta CAUGHT YOUR FEVER

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    She has no idea of how funny she is, does she?

    And YES I can appreciate the irony of a thread started about gay human rights descending into chatter about CLOTHES SHOPPING.
     
  13. Shirley

    Shirley BIG-HEARTED BUNNY

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    Oh LIZ darling the likes of YOU and I don't SHOP on the HIGH STREET and certainly not during the SALES. I mean darling the HORROR of it all
     
  14. JET BOY

    JET BOY PERVERSE

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    Oh that shopping article is amazing, I like the bit about John Lewis having handy buzzers in the fitting room and her horror when she discovers that River Island Somerset doesn't follow suite, WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT.

    A few other Liz classics -

    http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/10/04/article-0-06A4D656000005DC-508_468x581.jpg

    Liz helps out a homeless shelter entitled "I have never liked the homeless, they are smelly and scary" -

    http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...y-So-Christmas-shift-shelter-change-mind.html

    I particularly like the closing few lines where she vows to visit a homeless friend she made on her travels and help him out, YEAH RIGHT LIZ, PULL THE OTHER ONE

    Liz tries to live on £65.00 (dole money) for the week, and fails miserably -
    http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...JONES-What-happened-I-tried-live-65-week.html

    Choice quote "I figured my 17 cats would have to stop eating fresh cod and make do with Whiskas." OH THE HORROR

    The legendary toothpaste article where she moans about how she is crippled by debt and unable to pay the congestion charge, and then goes on to detail how ridiculously FRIVOLOUS she has been with money over the past few years, are we supposed to feel SYMPATHY -

    http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...I-spend-money-hole-soul--Im-150-000-debt.html

    "The other day, I was in Boots buying cotton wool and my special £8.95-a-tube toothpaste, and the assistant said: 'There is a two-for-one offer on this. I'll hang on while you go back and get another one.'
    'But I don't want two,' I whined. 'I can't be bothered to walk back to the aisle and get another one.' It is that sort of attitude that has proved my downfall"


    and

    "And yes, OK, I have expensive tastes. I cannot love anything that costs £5, unless it's a small loaf of bread. I hate anything cheap, anything with money off."

    There are SO MANY choice quotes in that article alone

    GOD LOVE HER
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2011
  15. monsta

    monsta CAUGHT YOUR FEVER

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    I am actually DYING at the dole money article. I love that The Mail have illustrated bus stops as isolated, ramshackle rapebooths where victims are taken to get murdered
    http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/19/article-1229399-0749199D000005DC-553_468x286.jpg

    She CANNOT be FOR REAL.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2011
  16. Shirley

    Shirley BIG-HEARTED BUNNY

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    It's a HARD LIFE being FABULOUS and I'm glad someone SYMPATHIZES
     
  17. Mugatu

    Mugatu onlyfans.com/mugatu

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    Oh Liz :disco: I do miss the days when she was moaning about how much her husband hated her and slept with FWD (Fucking Whore Daphne), but this period of REINVENTION has really added an extra sense of bitterness and resentment to her columns. She's a MUST-READ.
     
  18. JET BOY

    JET BOY PERVERSE

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    Another of my favourite Liz MASTERPIECES OF MODERN JOURNALISM is when she recently tried to retrace the steps of that murdered spectacle-wearing Bristol girl Joanna Yeates, it caused quite the furore at the time, mainly because it was just so massively insensitive, and generally TERRIBLE journalism

    http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...r-Becoming-just-thumbnail-police-website.html

    For the most part it makes VERY LITTLE SENSE and is just a ramble about Liz wandering around the affluent areas of Bristol celebrating that Joanna had the good sense to buy a TESCO FINEST pizza before her death rather than the normal own brand range.

    The ending is particularly amazing though, a slice of Liz Jones-cod philosophy (sponsored by The White Company) that is actually a complete WTF moment. I still have no idea what she is trying to say...if there wasn't a TOLL BOOTH on the Bristol suspension bridge Joanna Yeates might still be alive? All men are murdering monsters unless the lend you 20p? GOD LOVE HER

    Leaving Jo’s flat, I return to my car. My satnav takes me to the Clifton Suspension Bridge.
    The theory is the killer took the long route from the flat to where he dumped the body to avoid the CCTV cameras. Perhaps he also wanted to avoid the 50p toll.
    I don’t have 50p and try tossing 30p and a White Company button into the bucket. It doesn’t work.
    There is now an angry queue behind me. Isn’t it interesting that you can snatch a young woman’s life away from her in the most violent, painful, frightening way possible, take away her future children, her future Christmases, take away everything she loves, and yet there are elaborate systems in place to ensure you do not cross a bridge for only 30 pence?
    Finally, a man in a taxi jumps out, and runs to me brandishing a 50p piece.
    ‘Not all men are monsters,’ he says, grinning. Maybe not. But one monster is all it takes.


    Read more: http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...t-thumbnail-police-website.html#ixzz1EVaK2tJa


    U WOT

    (PS Any chance of getting the Liz Jones stuff split off into a separate thread? )
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2011
  19. monsta

    monsta CAUGHT YOUR FEVER

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    There was a thread on this which was lost in The Crash. It's truly mind-boggling.

    I mean, REALLY, imagine a toll booth not accepting White Company buttons.
     
  20. dmlaw

    dmlaw Democracy doesn't work

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    That Jo Yeates article is Raving Rich levels of deranged. Are we completely certain that he and Liz aren't the same person?
     
  21. Christian

    Christian GOOD BYE!

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    Yes indeed.
     
  22. Mugatu

    Mugatu onlyfans.com/mugatu

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    I really find this picture very funny but I have no idea why :D

    http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2011/02/18/article-1358519-0D37DB0C000005DC-31_233x423.jpg
     
  23. Lunar Foetus

    Lunar Foetus Guest

    :D :D :D :D
     
  24. Shirley

    Shirley BIG-HEARTED BUNNY

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    I can't really CLAIM this topic but it's an HONOUR to be associated with it
     
  25. Christian

    Christian GOOD BYE!

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    The OH SO CAREFULLY placed groceries would be a good start.

    £35 bottle of PLONK in PRIME POSITION
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2011
  26. Lunar Foetus

    Lunar Foetus Guest


    Literally in TEARS
     
  27. monsta

    monsta CAUGHT YOUR FEVER

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    I LOVE HORSES (BEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS),
    I LOVE HORSES (THEY'RE MY FRIENDS)

    http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/06/article-1225842-05B7D4D8000005DC-675_468x610.jpg

     
  28. Kate

    Kate she's for the streets BITCH

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    The other day her column picked apart Kate Middleton's perfectly lovely lunchtime outfit and informed her she should try harder. I'm sure Future Queen Kate was devastated and now takes ALL her fashion advice from Ms Jones
     
  29. Mugatu

    Mugatu onlyfans.com/mugatu

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    I'm sure the Future Queen has hastily arranged a fashion crisis meeting with La Jones over a POT of ILLY :disco:
     
  30. Christian

    Christian GOOD BYE!

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    Kate reads the STOP FUCKING HATE :(
     
  31. Kate

    Kate she's for the streets BITCH

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    I don't, I just sometimes end up on the website by accident :shy:
     
  32. jivafox

    jivafox chalamet & chill

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    I love how even when read in context that statement still makes NO SENSE :D
     
  33. RobotBoy

    RobotBoy BANG BANG

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    She bought her godson a garden shed? I love that she included the price! :D

    I'm with her on the Illy coffee beans though. I'd expect more from the Co-Op. Even my local Morrisons has them.
     
  34. jivafox

    jivafox chalamet & chill

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    oh come on everybody knows co-ops have NOTHING. EVER. except fairy liquid on SALE all the time.
     
  35. Jark

    Jark no gem too sultry

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    I can't even know where to start re this thread but I particularly like this little nugget

    CAN YOU IMAGINE?!
     
  36. funky

    funky OH SHE’LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK

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    could that dress be any more inappropriate within the context of the picture?
     
  37. Phoenix

    Phoenix Get Well Soon

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    A few choices from her Bafta style article....

     
  38. Lunar Foetus

    Lunar Foetus Guest

    It's CLASSIC. "I AM HERE TO RETURN A CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF CASHMERE" is my new catchphrase.
     
  39. octophone

    octophone The Electrocutioner

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    Dear God, what a LOONY.
     
  40. Halli

    Halli sippin' champagne from a paper cup

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