The official LIZ JONES thread

Shirley · Jan 25, 2011

I'm LIKING Liz Jones' wikipedia bibliography

Bibliography

* Bright Wings Broken (1996) ISBN 1-896-32995-0
* Slave To The Rhythm: The Artist Formerly Known As Prince (1997) ISBN 0-316-64041-7
* Liz Jones's Diary: How One Single Girl Got Married (2005) ISBN 1-844-00223-3
* Fur Babies: Why We Love Cats (2007) ISBN 1-844-00518-6
* The Exmoor Files: How I Lost A Husband And Found Rural Bliss (2009) ISBN 0-297-85443-7
* How to be a vacuous parasite and help destroy British Culture: The Liz Jones Story' (2011) ISBN 1-701-2011

Christian · Jan 25, 2011

Liz is clearly barking and the author of some really RUM stuff

JAN 'n' MEL are a whole OTHER level of offensive however and quite CHILLING with it

Mugatu · Jan 25, 2011

I didn't mind Liz's columns about how INCESSANTLY SHIT her life is () and how her husband was sticking it in another woman, but when she starts to think that she has the intellectual fortitude to speculate on murder cases then I'm DEAD AGAINST.

JET BOY · Feb 12, 2011

Liz Jones is BEYOND AMAZING, I LOVE HER. I meant to start a thread on her ages ago, her columns are just beyond ridiculous. I actually can't believe that a woman like her actually exists. One of my favourites is the one where she decides to declare herself POVERTY STRICKEN (Despite being one of the highest paid writers on Fleet Street) and asks her readers to send her cash IN THE POST to help her out, which they do, only for Liz the next week to declare that she wasn't being serious about people sending money in and donated it all to a BAT SANCTUARY or something.

There was another amazing one where she had a huge rant about having to get a free tube of toothpaste in Boots because it was on buy one get one free, but she didn't one the free one as it made her feel common.

Her face alone is absolute comedy -
http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/12/21/article-1237311-0748FFC8000005DC-387_468x487.jpg

If I can be bothered I will post some article links, her back catalogue of columns are QUITE THE TREAT.

monsta · Feb 13, 2011

Please source the Mary Portas - Secret Shopper inspired article. It's GOLD. She practically likens her ordeal at buying leggings in Topshop to being RAPED and SET ON FIRE. Liz also appears to have so much disdain for Zara because it's RUN BY BLOODY FOREIGNERS.

Doesn't she look like Severus Snape?

Jark · Feb 12, 2011

LOVELY KNEES

wendy the goat · Feb 12, 2011

Nice pussy.

TurnerPrize · Feb 13, 2011

I've only seen bits of Liz's work, but i second the (often agog) love for her. She has seventeen cats!

This week's column is NEPOTISM MUST STOP - BUT AFTER I HAVE FOUND A JOB FOR MY LOVELY NEPHEW. And that's a sane week for mad aunt Liz (and in fact the article is quite sweet for one of hers, credit to the mad bitch).

Ag · Feb 13, 2011

Donna Winter said: ↑

I'm LIKING Liz Jones' wikipedia bibliography

Bibliography

* Bright Wings Broken (1996) ISBN 1-896-32995-0
* Slave To The Rhythm: The Artist Formerly Known As Prince (1997) ISBN 0-316-64041-7
* Liz Jones's Diary: How One Single Girl Got Married (2005) ISBN 1-844-00223-3
* Fur Babies: Why We Love Cats (2007) ISBN 1-844-00518-6
* The Exmoor Files: How I Lost A Husband And Found Rural Bliss (2009) ISBN 0-297-85443-7
* How to be a vacuous parasite and help destroy British Culture: The Liz Jones Story' (2011) ISBN 1-701-2011
Click to expand...

dmlaw · Feb 13, 2011

She asked people to post her money? I hope she got a few jiffy bags full of shit as well.

monsta · Feb 13, 2011

There was a time when I was proud of the British High Street, considering it the best in the world. And over the past few decades, my, how we British women have supported it.
We talk about it; we read about it, endlessly, in fashion magazines; we spend our hard-earned lunch breaks and weekends trawling the shops, wrestling with overstuffed rails of clothes. We have even got into enormous credit card debt, demonstrating just how loyal we are.
But I think the people who own these shops have become rather cocky. Even in a recession, I’ve been getting the feeling the customer is no longer king. In fact, we are an annoyance, because we unfold piles of sweaters, we ask for our money back, and sometimes we are not a standard size, or we are not young, or we don’t quite know what we want.

Wouldn’t you have thought that, during a recession, staff would be bending over backwards to help us, to fawn over us, to, ooh, I don’t know, smile occasionally?
But when I put our big High Street stores to the test of dealing with one very trying, indecisive customer (me), I found that shopping is no longer a pleasure: it is an endurance test.
During my week of shopping — in London, and close to my West Country home — I was quite often made to feel stupid, old and poor. And God only knows what a woman who is not a standard size feels like when she enters these overheated, noisy emporiums.

There are some exceptions — most notably the staff at John Lewis in Oxford street (it’s no coincidence John Lewis is training police officers to be more professional and considerate when dealing with victims of crime) — but the vast majority of young, bored, monosyllabic women who staff these stores couldn’t wait to return to having a nice chin wag with their mates.
So many times I was confronted with a young woman with no grasp of English. This isn’t a racist observation, merely that without fluent English they are not equipped to work in the service industry. (I’d no more think myself capable of working in the Rome branch of Prada than swimming the English channel.)
As you will see from my critique of the big chains, a great many sales assistants have no idea what a ‘shoe boot’ is. I mean, come on!
Retail guru Mary Portas, whose new Channel 4 series sets out to expose the shops that give us the worst service, when challenged about whether or not we should attack sales assistants, given their notoriously low pay, said: ‘It’s not the staff’s fault.
‘I see them running around and think: “Who’s looking after you? Who’s training you, developing you?” I feel really sorry for them.
‘I just look at all these kids — bright kids, running around, out of breath, just sticking stock out, throwing it out onto the shop floors . . . Sometimes, when I’ve had bad service, I think: “I’m not going to complain ’cos this is someone’s job.” I just think: “Get over yourself.”’
But I’m afraid I don’t care how little these people are paid. Unless they are interested, and helpful, and, like the contestants on The X Factor, prepared to put 110 per cent into a job, they will never graduate onto the next rung of the career ladder. We all have to start somewhere.
I am tired of walking into a shop, knowing that I will have to do all the work. The most common thing I heard during my week-long experiment was: ‘If it’s not on the shop floor, we don’t have it.’
These shops have had it very good over the years, and they have become complacent. It is time they all realised they are there to serve us, and that if they don’t shape up, and fast, we will vote with the only language they understand. Our wallets.

NEXT in Taunton, Somerset

Next was once a byword for quality at an affordable price. What on earth has happened? This store was a mess, with hideous clothes just mashed onto a rail, old Christmas decorations and a general atmosphere of fatigue. It was just nasty.
The staff were clearly not motivated. I stood among the non-sale items for ten minutes, and although I caught the eye of several members of people I guessed were staff (there was no uniform, so I just targeted a young woman without a handbag), they ignored me.
I literally had to shout to get some attention, even though the store, on a cold Tuesday, was not busy.
‘Can you tell me what the trousers are made of?’
‘Um, no, but the label should be inside.’
I took my booty off to the changing room. No one offered to help, and I had to do that thing of hopping around half dressed on the shop floor to get some attention.
‘Do you have these trousers in black?’ A few hours went by while the assistant looked at a computer screen. ‘No, but we could order them for you and they will be here tomorrow.’
I then asked for some advice. ‘What size do you think I take in a jacket?’ ‘A 10?’ A bonus point, which she then lost when I asked if I could carry off a red mini kilt.
‘Yeah, of course you can!’ My general feeling was that the staff are super-demoralised.
3/10

RIVER ISLAND in Taunton, Somerset
Oh dear God. This shop is proof that the London shops get all the good stuff, while the provinces have to make do with whatever is creased, covered in sequins and makes you look like a hooker.
Like Next, this branch was holding its sale, and the atmosphere of a smelly Camden Market stall prevailed. At least the staff were identifiable, though, in River Island black T-shirts, but I had to wait ten minutes before I caught someone’s eye.
I chose a short black dress, sequin shoe boots, brown military shorts and a pair of black leggings. I asked one assistant if the shoe boots came in a size 6.
‘I don’t know. If it’s not on the rack, then we don’t have it.’
‘So, you mean I have to look through all the shoes?’
‘Yes,’ she said, looking shocked.
‘Can’t you look, as you’re not busy?’ ‘Um, well, OK, but I doubt there are any sixes left.’
This exchange neatly illustrates an attitude I encountered all week: defeatist, rather than upbeat. I persisted. ‘Do you have the leggings in a size 10?’
‘I have no idea.’ I had to find my own way to the fitting rooms, and no one offered to help me carry my dreadful load.
But as I pulled back a curtain, a staff member swooped on me to count the items, and give me a tag. Do they really think I am going to steal this stuff?
Half dressed, unable to attract attention (John Lewis has useful buzzers in the changing rooms), I hopped out to the shop floor and again asked for a pair of black trousers in my size.
‘We only have a 14.’ ‘Can you order them for me?’ ‘No, you will have to look online.’
Does River Island pay ME a salary?
2/10

ZARA in Knightsbridge
The store was light and inviting, but again I found it hard to work out who was staff. Aha! Any woman speaking Spanish on her mobile, while trying to avoid eye contact! Sorted.
At last I managed to huff and puff so that one assistant closed her phone. She’d laddered tights, which wasn’t a good sign. (Why is there nothing in the job description that says these women should inspire us?)
But I have to admit she was sweet, despite the thick accent, and very helpful, although she guessed my jacket size as ‘large’. The cheek!
I then asked to try on the shoe boots. ‘The shoe what? Wha? Wha?’
There weren’t enough seats, and the woman took ages to find my size.
I then decided to try on the navy blazer and a sweater. The changing rooms were tiny, and grubby. I peeked out to see three salesgirls chatting, frantically putting rejected clothes onto hangers to get them back out on the shop floor again. I was ignored.
I started to think I was invisible, and resorted to yelling. Finally, one young woman came over to me.
‘Do you have this sweater in raspberry?’ Incomprehension was etched on her lovely face.
‘Erm, if it eez not on the shop floor, then we don’t ’ave it.’ Arrrggggh!
5/10

MARKS & SPENCER in Exeter, Devon
At last, my invisibility cloak is wearing off. Sales assistants can actually see me, although it did take me standing, with armfuls of clothes, in Per Una for seven minutes before someone came over.
She smiled. This is rare. I smiled back. Even rarer.
I dropped the bundle at her feet. ‘Oh dear,’ she said, picking it up. ‘Can I carry this for you?’
‘No, I can’t be bothered,’ I told her. ‘I am here to change a Christmas present of cashmere.’
‘Oh, lucky you!’ We went to the till and she peeked in the bag.
‘Do you have a receipt?’
‘No, it was a gift.’ No problem, she told me: ‘We don’t have the cashmere lounge suit here, but I can give you a credit note?’
Perfect. Well done. I then said I was having problems with a bra.
‘It has gone all fuzzy, and the wire has come out of one cup.’
‘Can I look?’
‘I’m wearing it.’
‘Oh-kay, well let’s go to lingerie, and I’m sure we can get you a new one.’
I felt a bit like a special needs person, but, really, they couldn’t have been more helpful.
9/10
Click to expand...

monsta · Feb 13, 2011

TOPSHOP in Taunton, Somerset and Knightsbridge
Are London shoppers given VIP treatment, while the rest of Britain is ignored?
In Taunton, I cornered a young Goth-looking sales girl. She began by being helpful, but the moment I looked like buying the aviator jacket, she wandered off!
I ran after her. ‘Are the aviators real leather?’ ‘I have no idea, I will have to look.’ (Why don’t these people familiarise themselves with their stock?) But, once I had her attention, she seemed to have a good grasp on trends, although the jacket she thought would suit me was hideous, all boxy with short sleeves. Eventually, I decided to buy a cream, ruched tank top for £18, just to see how good they were at taking my money.
The woman on the till didn’t lift her eyes from the floor, nor did she say thank you. To cap it all, my horrid plastic bag was filthy, covered in foundation.
But was it any better in Knightsbridge? I went down to the shoe department. Deserted!
After an eight-minute wait, I managed to summon a young woman in the habitual black leggings and top.
‘Can I try on some shoe boots?’
She was American. ‘Shoe boots?’
‘Yes, shoe boots.’
‘Let me go and ask someone.’ She disappeared for so long, I became increasingly too old for the store. Another young woman arrived. ‘These are quite comfy,’ she said.
She left me alone with the left one for about five minutes, though I’d have liked help with the buckles. Eventually, I waved. ‘Oh, you should have said you wanted the other one.’ !!!!!!
No one was rude, but they were all drippy, defeatist and far from proactive.
5/10
H&M in Knightsbridge
'I think she knew most of the merchandise was sub-standard, but she really did try her best'
Again, the staff were in leggings, which is just not good enough. I thought back to the press launch of Lanvin for H&M, to the flutes of champagne, and the goodie bag, and the canapés, and realised quite how detached editors and stylists are from the coal face of shopping.
The reality is hideous and tiring and ugly!
I grabbed a young woman. ‘I want a suit for work, a bit Helmut Lang.’
I thought this would fox her, but she said: ‘Yes, I know, quite slim and masculine, not boxy.’
Yes! I almost snogged her!
She found me a nice white shirt with a hint of stretch, but failed when it came to the suit, showing me cotton, which looked cheap. I think she knew most of the merchandise was sub-standard, but she really did try her best.
What happens if I buy the trousers and they are too long?
‘Well, you will have to take them to a tailor.’
‘You won’t take them up?’
‘God, no. And I’m afraid they are all very long. I think I’m going to raise this issue.’
7/10
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She has no idea of how funny she is, does she?

And YES I can appreciate the irony of a thread started about gay human rights descending into chatter about CLOTHES SHOPPING.

Shirley · Feb 13, 2011

Oh LIZ darling the likes of YOU and I don't SHOP on the HIGH STREET and certainly not during the SALES. I mean darling the HORROR of it all

JET BOY · Feb 13, 2011

Oh that shopping article is amazing, I like the bit about John Lewis having handy buzzers in the fitting room and her horror when she discovers that River Island Somerset doesn't follow suite, WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT.

A few other Liz classics -

http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/10/04/article-0-06A4D656000005DC-508_468x581.jpg

Liz helps out a homeless shelter entitled "I have never liked the homeless, they are smelly and scary" -

http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...y-So-Christmas-shift-shelter-change-mind.html

I particularly like the closing few lines where she vows to visit a homeless friend she made on her travels and help him out, YEAH RIGHT LIZ, PULL THE OTHER ONE

Liz tries to live on £65.00 (dole money) for the week, and fails miserably -
http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...JONES-What-happened-I-tried-live-65-week.html

Choice quote "I figured my 17 cats would have to stop eating fresh cod and make do with Whiskas." OH THE HORROR

The legendary toothpaste article where she moans about how she is crippled by debt and unable to pay the congestion charge, and then goes on to detail how ridiculously FRIVOLOUS she has been with money over the past few years, are we supposed to feel SYMPATHY -

http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...I-spend-money-hole-soul--Im-150-000-debt.html

"The other day, I was in Boots buying cotton wool and my special £8.95-a-tube toothpaste, and the assistant said: 'There is a two-for-one offer on this. I'll hang on while you go back and get another one.'
'But I don't want two,' I whined. 'I can't be bothered to walk back to the aisle and get another one.' It is that sort of attitude that has proved my downfall"

and

"And yes, OK, I have expensive tastes. I cannot love anything that costs £5, unless it's a small loaf of bread. I hate anything cheap, anything with money off."

There are SO MANY choice quotes in that article alone

GOD LOVE HER

monsta · Feb 13, 2011

I am actually DYING at the dole money article. I love that The Mail have illustrated bus stops as isolated, ramshackle rapebooths where victims are taken to get murdered
http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/19/article-1229399-0749199D000005DC-553_468x286.jpg

I frequently order films on Sky Box Office, watch them for five minutes, then change the channel.
The Sky package would have to go, but how on earth do you get Freeview? And how on earth do pensioners cope trying to find out if I can't?
Click to expand...

I realised that I might just have to follow her lead for the first time ever. Eschewing my usual box of organic goodies delivered at home by Riverford Organics, I popped to my 'local' (how hollow that word sounds on Exmoor when you don't have a car) Co-op.
They don't like me in this shop because I once wrote they were stupid for never having heard of Illy coffee beans. I wandered round, picking up things, planning meals involving dented tins and big potatoes, wondering how on earth I would bring myself to purchase a bottle of wine that cost below my usual £25 benchmark.
Click to expand...

I looked at the teenager at the till and thought how awful I must have seemed a couple of weeks before when I had marched up to her and said 'Why is your wine so cheap? Don't you have anything vaguely expensive?', and I humbly apologised.
Click to expand...

The most humiliating incident of the entire week happened when I went to a pawn shop in Islington, having decided I would part company with a string of pearls given to me by my dad when I turned 18.
The nice Indian man inside told me business was booming. I extracted my velvet-lined case from my designer handbag which, having cost £1,000, I was beginning to resent, like an ex-wife hanging around my neck demanding alimony.
He took the necklace away. I felt a lump in my throat. He came back. 'These pearls are not real,' he said. 'They are plastic, maybe worth a pound.'
'Are you sure?' I said.
He pushed them back under the thick security glass. I started to cry.
Click to expand...

Unable to use the internet any more, I phoned First Great Western trains. 'Do you do a reduced fare for the unemployed?' I asked her, feeling brave that I had even said those words.
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She CANNOT be FOR REAL.

Shirley · Feb 13, 2011

It's a HARD LIFE being FABULOUS and I'm glad someone SYMPATHIZES

Mugatu · Feb 13, 2011

Oh Liz I do miss the days when she was moaning about how much her husband hated her and slept with FWD (Fucking Whore Daphne), but this period of REINVENTION has really added an extra sense of bitterness and resentment to her columns. She's a MUST-READ.

JET BOY · Feb 20, 2011

Another of my favourite Liz MASTERPIECES OF MODERN JOURNALISM is when she recently tried to retrace the steps of that murdered spectacle-wearing Bristol girl Joanna Yeates, it caused quite the furore at the time, mainly because it was just so massively insensitive, and generally TERRIBLE journalism

http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...r-Becoming-just-thumbnail-police-website.html

For the most part it makes VERY LITTLE SENSE and is just a ramble about Liz wandering around the affluent areas of Bristol celebrating that Joanna had the good sense to buy a TESCO FINEST pizza before her death rather than the normal own brand range.

The ending is particularly amazing though, a slice of Liz Jones-cod philosophy (sponsored by The White Company) that is actually a complete WTF moment. I still have no idea what she is trying to say...if there wasn't a TOLL BOOTH on the Bristol suspension bridge Joanna Yeates might still be alive? All men are murdering monsters unless the lend you 20p? GOD LOVE HER

Leaving Jo’s flat, I return to my car. My satnav takes me to the Clifton Suspension Bridge.
The theory is the killer took the long route from the flat to where he dumped the body to avoid the CCTV cameras. Perhaps he also wanted to avoid the 50p toll.
I don’t have 50p and try tossing 30p and a White Company button into the bucket. It doesn’t work.
There is now an angry queue behind me. Isn’t it interesting that you can snatch a young woman’s life away from her in the most violent, painful, frightening way possible, take away her future children, her future Christmases, take away everything she loves, and yet there are elaborate systems in place to ensure you do not cross a bridge for only 30 pence?
Finally, a man in a taxi jumps out, and runs to me brandishing a 50p piece.
‘Not all men are monsters,’ he says, grinning. Maybe not. But one monster is all it takes.

Read more: http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...t-thumbnail-police-website.html#ixzz1EVaK2tJa

U WOT

(PS Any chance of getting the Liz Jones stuff split off into a separate thread? )

monsta · Feb 20, 2011

There was a thread on this which was lost in The Crash. It's truly mind-boggling.

I mean, REALLY, imagine a toll booth not accepting White Company buttons.

dmlaw · Feb 20, 2011

That Jo Yeates article is Raving Rich levels of deranged. Are we completely certain that he and Liz aren't the same person?

Christian · Feb 20, 2011

JET BOY said: ↑

(PS Any chance of getting the Liz Jones stuff split off into a separate thread? )
Click to expand...

Yes indeed.

Mugatu · Feb 20, 2011

I really find this picture very funny but I have no idea why

http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2011/02/18/article-1358519-0D37DB0C000005DC-31_233x423.jpg

Lunar Foetus · Feb 20, 2011

I dropped the bundle at her feet. ‘Oh dear,’ she said, picking it up. ‘Can I carry this for you?’
‘No, I can’t be bothered,’ I told her. ‘I am here to change a Christmas present of cashmere.’
Click to expand...

Shirley · Feb 20, 2011

I can't really CLAIM this topic but it's an HONOUR to be associated with it

Christian · Feb 20, 2011

Mugatu said: ↑

I really find this picture very funny but I have no idea why [/IMG]
Click to expand...

The OH SO CAREFULLY placed groceries would be a good start.

£35 bottle of PLONK in PRIME POSITION

Lunar Foetus · Feb 20, 2011

Eschewing my usual box of organic goodies delivered at home by Riverford Organics, I popped to my 'local' (how hollow that word sounds on Exmoor when you don't have a car) Co-op.
They don't like me in this shop because I once wrote they were stupid for never having heard of Illy coffee beans.
Click to expand...

Literally in TEARS

monsta · Feb 20, 2011

I LOVE HORSES (BEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS),
I LOVE HORSES (THEY'RE MY FRIENDS)

http://i.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/06/article-1225842-05B7D4D8000005DC-675_468x610.jpg

I asked the parent of my godson what he would like for his birthday. 'Oooh, a book. An Xbox 360 game' - I bought him a £530 garden shed
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Kate · Feb 20, 2011

The other day her column picked apart Kate Middleton's perfectly lovely lunchtime outfit and informed her she should try harder. I'm sure Future Queen Kate was devastated and now takes ALL her fashion advice from Ms Jones

Mugatu · Feb 20, 2011

I'm sure the Future Queen has hastily arranged a fashion crisis meeting with La Jones over a POT of ILLY

Christian · Feb 20, 2011

Kate reads the STOP FUCKING HATE

Kate · Feb 20, 2011

I don't, I just sometimes end up on the website by accident

jivafox · Feb 20, 2011

Moonbaby said: ↑

Click to expand...

I love how even when read in context that statement still makes NO SENSE

RobotBoy · Feb 20, 2011

She bought her godson a garden shed? I love that she included the price!

I'm with her on the Illy coffee beans though. I'd expect more from the Co-Op. Even my local Morrisons has them.

jivafox · Feb 21, 2011

oh come on everybody knows co-ops have NOTHING. EVER. except fairy liquid on SALE all the time.

Jark · Feb 21, 2011

I can't even know where to start re this thread but I particularly like this little nugget

Do you have this sweater in raspberry?’ Incomprehension was etched on her lovely face.
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CAN YOU IMAGINE?!

funky · Feb 21, 2011

could that dress be any more inappropriate within the context of the picture?

Phoenix · Feb 21, 2011

A few choices from her Bafta style article....

Emma Watson looked like a beautiful fairy in a cream chiffon asymmetric gown by Valentino, while her gamine crop made the women with bouffant hair extensions look very old fashioned.

But she should have worn a British label like Burberry.
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And I couldn’t help but notice how tiny all these stars are up close. No wonder they froze.

I didn’t see one voluptuous body all night. I became so bored by the lack of imagination in the sartorial choices I started to count ribs.
Click to expand...

Lunar Foetus · Feb 21, 2011

jivafox said: ↑

I love how even when read in context that statement still makes NO SENSE
Click to expand...

It's CLASSIC. "I AM HERE TO RETURN A CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF CASHMERE" is my new catchphrase.

octophone · Feb 21, 2011

Dear God, what a LOONY.

Halli · Feb 27, 2011

Liz meets NICOLE

http://www.STOP FUNDING HATE.co.uk/...-Scherzinger-says-goodbye-Pussycat-Dolls.html

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