X Factor X Factor

Discussion in 'Reality Bites' started by Kitty Kat, Aug 19, 2006.

  1. Kitty Kat

    Kitty Kat User

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    Returns tonight.... in half an hour! WOO. It makes me feel all wintry thinking of x factor. Anyway, as we all know the first few shows are the most entertaining, and here's some extra fun for tonight's viewing.

    From today's Guardian...

    Anyway, in case you're tiring of sitting through a show guaranteed to play out in precisely the same way as it did last year, here's a handy cut-out-and-keep game of X Factor I-Spy for you to play while watching. Simply tick off the cliches as they arrive.

    Preening little upstart berk singing in that fake Robbie Williams warbling twang that makes you want to punch the world in the face - one point. (This is the X Factor's stock in trade, so it's hardly worth anything.)

    Obviously mentally ill person paraded before judges like inept performing bear - five points. (Award yourself an additional point for every comedy "record scratch" sound effect dubbed over their entrance.)

    Deadpan Simon Cowell put-down that doesn't include the word "worst" - 50 points. (This is as rare as dolphin fur, since Cowell tosses phrases like "that was the worst performance I've ever heard" around like plates in a Greek taverna. Either his low point is being redefined with each new contestant, or despite his reputation, he's not actually very good at insults.)

    Leering sexual remark from Sharon Osbourne - two points. (Award yourself an additional 10 points if directed at someone who looks pre-pubescent, and 20 points if she's actually rubbing her whatnot as she says it - hey, it's only a matter of time).

    Charismatic contestant bursting with genuine talent delivers life-affirming performance - 500 points.

    Crashingly obvious choice of background music used to illustrate montage - two points (eg Why Does It Always Rain On Me over footage of wannabes queuing in downpour. Award yourself an additional 10 points if the choice of music is unbelievably cruel, eg I'm Too Sexy accompanying pictures of obese, unsightly outcast with food down their front waddling through the waiting area.)

    Contestant performs startlingly faithful cover version of I Kill Children by the Dead Kennedys - 5000 points.

    Kate Thornton embraces blubbing rejectee - one point. (Additional point if it all goes slow-motion and they put a bit of Coldplay over the top of it.)

    Aspiring Girl/Boy Band with name that sounds like a nasty new brand of brightly-coloured alcoholic drink you've never tried - five points. (Potential examples include Debonair, Cascade, Spastique, etc etc.)

    Aspiring Girl/Boy Band with name that sounds like a nasty new brand of brightly-coloured alcoholic drink you've never tried AND is spelt in an infuriatingly gauche way - 15 points (eg Surpryze, B-Leev, 1-Da-Full, R3SP3CT etc etc.)

    Any mention of Steve Brookstein whatsoever - 500 points. (An additional 500 points if it's a POSITIVE mention of Steve Brookstein.)

    Sharon Osbourne pulls a face like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and makes unhinged, inappropriate, atmosphere-souring remark regarding contestant's supposed low moral standards - 10 points. (An extra 10 points if it occurs during the live final, and 20 points if it makes the entire studio audience finally rise up and thrash her with placards.)

    Audible sigh of relief from ITV executive board as Saturday night ratings finally rise above crisis level - one point.

    Staged verbal disagreement between judges which leaves you feeling inexplicably sorry for Louis Walsh - five points. (A further five points if he quits the show, plus another five points when he returns the following week.)

    Black contestant wins the final - 99,000,000 pts.
     
  2. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    Yeah, those are precisely the reasons why I won't be watching it this year
     
  3. Kitty Kat

    Kitty Kat User

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    what are you going to do instead mr cranky pants?
     
  4. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    Do something productive... like going into the garden and burying myself
     
  5. octophone

    octophone Techno Poo

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    It's like BB, start watching it, you'll never stop. As with BB, I'm not starting this year.
     
  6. Kitty Kat

    Kitty Kat User

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    have fun with that
     
  7. octophone

    octophone Techno Poo

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    I will. I'm off to a piss-up. Hurrah!
     
  8. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    I dunno... with BB and X-Factor last year I starting watching, got a little interested, then all but gave up about half way through...

    I don't mind the audition stages of X-Factor so much actually... but the programme as a whole is a detriment to society (and music)
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2006
  9. octophone

    octophone Techno Poo

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    I do, it's gone from funny to being plain cruel in one series.
     
  10. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    I just found a perfect alternative to X-Factor... listening to old Tom Waits albums with my eyes closed
     
  11. Kitty Kat

    Kitty Kat User

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    well that was meant for adam, but i can say it to you as well if you like. :D

    drink some gin for me.
     
  12. Kitty Kat

    Kitty Kat User

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    i'm watching it for the audition hilarity, and don't give it any credit for anything else.
     
  13. Toyah

    Toyah LOON PANTS

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    Mariah's #1 fan!

    She's about the same size! :D
     
  14. Kitty Kat

    Kitty Kat User

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    I love Edna! Give her her own show!
     
  15. swangali

    swangali MEAN BOY

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    reading this thread has made me VERY angry :Oi:
     
  16. swangali

    swangali MEAN BOY

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    But aside from that, LOVED it tonight! Yay! :D
     
  17. Gavin

    Gavin Fuck It I Love You

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    I'm avoiding this CACK as much as possible this year.

    Its one of those shows so fucking dreadful that it actually makes me angry.

    As long as we have .....Maria and Strictly Come Dancing as an alternative, i'll happily be spending Saturday evenings with BBC1 right thru to Xmas. :)
     
  18. FetchFugly

    FetchFugly closing in again

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    Nobody particularly good, or even THAT amusing tonight, except maybe that Donna woman.

    And as for that plainly simple infant in the horrible check shirt singing Richard Marx...
     
  19. Tetris-Rock

    Tetris-Rock wo ist der party?

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    When does Strictly Come Dancing start?
     
  20. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    I've been listening to Tom Waits "Small Change" and Neil Young's "Tonight's The Night"... quite preferable to all television tonight
     
  21. Gavin

    Gavin Fuck It I Love You

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    7th October, i believe.
     
  22. Gavin

    Gavin Fuck It I Love You

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    Quite preferable to MOST THINGS really.
     
  23. Jake

    Jake On A Mission

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    I watched 5 minutes (then i got bored and watched Melodifestivalen 2005 DVD final).

    I liked the woman that sang 'Like A Prayer'. If they put Chico through they could have put her through...'please'...
     
  24. Lelloola

    Lelloola Banned

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    I adore this show. Yes I'm chav scum.

    That foreign woman doing broken English Madonna; "Just like prayer, your voice take me there".

    The old woman giving Simon a sly wink and then having a go at him moments later for laughing.

    The Michael Jackson wannabe; "sorry, I thought it was a solid wall!"

    The guy droning on to "You Raise Me Up" and actually being better than We$tlife.

    And you just know that Jonathan "I care for my sick mum - VOTE ME" guy has a one way ticket to the live shows already!
     
  25. David

    David Misanthropic Old Bastard

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    The winner of both series was in the first audition show IIRC!
     
  26. WiDGe->

    WiDGe-> 44f

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    Lol, this could have come from the mouth of Seb Flyte!
     
  27. cwej

    cwej User

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    I just don't GET this show. It's Pop Idol really... it's just Pop Idol. Why change the name just cos you've changed a couple of judges and opened it up to more people? It's still the same programme really. :confused:
     
  28. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    But Pop Idol was Simon Fuller wasn't it? ... X-Factor is all Cowell...
     
  29. Lelloola

    Lelloola Banned

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    Exactly. And because Fuller didn't want to do anymore Pop Idols, Cowell decided to rip the format off with X Factor and make some more money - hence the lawsuit.
     
  30. Annie R.U.O.K.

    Annie R.U.O.K. I mean no harm.

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    Those 3 sisters were VERY good. I can see them being this years 'Voices with soul'.
     
  31. Bunty's Magic Vegetable

    Bunty's Magic Vegetable User

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    Cowell was on that great History Of Light Entertainment show last night essentially just saying none of this is about anything but exploiting kids out of money...

    ACE
     
  32. Ellie

    Ellie Super talented triple threat

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    Some of the auditions were just dull this time. I think they should put an age limit of 45 or 50 on the show. The Pop Idol limit was far too young, but this auditioning pensioners idea is ridiculous.
     
  33. d22ghj

    d22ghj User

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    And what's even more strange is the fact he does American Idol (Pop Idol USA) too.
     
  34. Ag

    Ag User

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    It really was a bit SAME OLD SAME OLD for me... Call me cynical, but you ALWAYS know what's gonna happen next...
     
  35. Lelloola

    Lelloola Banned

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    8.5m of us said yes...
     
  36. Ag

    Ag User

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    reality TV HAIR of the DOG.
     
  37. lolly

    lolly Rowena? From Kuwait?

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    It will be interesting to see how many people stick with it. I know quite a few people who would 'only watch the audition' stages.

    We'll see...
     
  38. Ag

    Ag User

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    I'd LOVE to avoid the LATER ROUNDS... But I know I won't...
     
  39. Jimmy

    Jimmy User

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    It depresses me that I'm going to know some of these people's names by the end of this. And why is it considered such a prize anyway? Has anyone ever made a successful career out of the X-factor? I mean where is Steve Brookstein now?

    The format surely seems to weed out anyone with the so called 'X-factor' rather than promote them. This is why I prefer the BBC's Fame Academy. Ok, it churns out a load of shit at the end aswell, but at least there's an attempt, however futile, to end up with a well rounded artist and personality at the end of it.
     
  40. David

    David Misanthropic Old Bastard

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    Last year I ended up watching SCD when the shows were actually live and catching the repeats on Sunday evening... frankly I know the end product will be utter tosh but I sort of like the process, however contrived it is!
     

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