Returns tonight.... in half an hour! WOO. It makes me feel all wintry thinking of x factor. Anyway, as we all know the first few shows are the most entertaining, and here's some extra fun for tonight's viewing. From today's Guardian... Anyway, in case you're tiring of sitting through a show guaranteed to play out in precisely the same way as it did last year, here's a handy cut-out-and-keep game of X Factor I-Spy for you to play while watching. Simply tick off the cliches as they arrive. Preening little upstart berk singing in that fake Robbie Williams warbling twang that makes you want to punch the world in the face - one point. (This is the X Factor's stock in trade, so it's hardly worth anything.) Obviously mentally ill person paraded before judges like inept performing bear - five points. (Award yourself an additional point for every comedy "record scratch" sound effect dubbed over their entrance.) Deadpan Simon Cowell put-down that doesn't include the word "worst" - 50 points. (This is as rare as dolphin fur, since Cowell tosses phrases like "that was the worst performance I've ever heard" around like plates in a Greek taverna. Either his low point is being redefined with each new contestant, or despite his reputation, he's not actually very good at insults.) Leering sexual remark from Sharon Osbourne - two points. (Award yourself an additional 10 points if directed at someone who looks pre-pubescent, and 20 points if she's actually rubbing her whatnot as she says it - hey, it's only a matter of time). Charismatic contestant bursting with genuine talent delivers life-affirming performance - 500 points. Crashingly obvious choice of background music used to illustrate montage - two points (eg Why Does It Always Rain On Me over footage of wannabes queuing in downpour. Award yourself an additional 10 points if the choice of music is unbelievably cruel, eg I'm Too Sexy accompanying pictures of obese, unsightly outcast with food down their front waddling through the waiting area.) Contestant performs startlingly faithful cover version of I Kill Children by the Dead Kennedys - 5000 points. Kate Thornton embraces blubbing rejectee - one point. (Additional point if it all goes slow-motion and they put a bit of Coldplay over the top of it.) Aspiring Girl/Boy Band with name that sounds like a nasty new brand of brightly-coloured alcoholic drink you've never tried - five points. (Potential examples include Debonair, Cascade, Spastique, etc etc.) Aspiring Girl/Boy Band with name that sounds like a nasty new brand of brightly-coloured alcoholic drink you've never tried AND is spelt in an infuriatingly gauche way - 15 points (eg Surpryze, B-Leev, 1-Da-Full, R3SP3CT etc etc.) Any mention of Steve Brookstein whatsoever - 500 points. (An additional 500 points if it's a POSITIVE mention of Steve Brookstein.) Sharon Osbourne pulls a face like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and makes unhinged, inappropriate, atmosphere-souring remark regarding contestant's supposed low moral standards - 10 points. (An extra 10 points if it occurs during the live final, and 20 points if it makes the entire studio audience finally rise up and thrash her with placards.) Audible sigh of relief from ITV executive board as Saturday night ratings finally rise above crisis level - one point. Staged verbal disagreement between judges which leaves you feeling inexplicably sorry for Louis Walsh - five points. (A further five points if he quits the show, plus another five points when he returns the following week.) Black contestant wins the final - 99,000,000 pts.