Favourite wife of King Henry VIII?

Six divas, one record contract


  • Total voters
    29

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
1. Catherine of Aragon
1618489914837.png

The Evita of the Tudor era, Spanish Catherine was very popular with the English public right up until her death in 1536. Poor old Cathy really got the viewers on board when she was treated like absolute crap by Henry after he threw away the religious rulebook and divorced her to marry his new piece, the beautiful Jan Brady Ms Anne Boleyn. Messages from the public like 'stay strong babe, he's not worth it' were written on parchment and thrown through her castle window right up until the end. Henry got away with it because Catherine had been previously married to Henry's brother Arthur, and Henry decided that after 21 years of marriage and some selective interpretation of the Bible that this now did not sit well with him :eyes: Catherine never accepted Henry's divorce and called herself the queen until she died of cancer and a broken heart in 1536. The legendary Miss Catherine Spears is remembered for her dedication to women's education and commitment to helping the poor and is very worthy of your vote.

2. Anne Boleyn
1618491803381.png

This trim little piece from Kent was by all accounts a very intelligent and strong-willed lady, who often quarrelled with Henry and could easily stand up for herself. During her three years as Queen, Anne entered into a feud with Catherine of Aragon's daughter Mary, who by now was a teenager and totes couldn't stand Anne for wrecking her family home. Mary had previously had a very happy childhood was super close to her father, but when Anne came on the scene Mary was demoted from her status as princess, and made to serve the new princess, Anne's daughter and future icon, Elizabeth. At one point Anne is said to have tried the 'nicey-nicey' approach to get Mary on side, but Mary told her to get fucked and so Anne fired all of Mary's chambermaids, one of whom killed themselves from the sheer horror of no longer getting to be Mary's chambermaid. Ryan Murphy I know you're reading and yes I do think this would make a great six-part series with Sarah Paulson playing both Mary and Anne Boleyn.

Anne is by all accounts a questionable diva, in that she was apparently thrilled when Catherine of Aragon carked it and certainly could have been the bigger person when Mary was upset, but she also was a champion of women's rights and educating women to be able to read the newly translated King James Bible. This led to her clashing with one of Henry's best mates Thomas Cromwell, who was much more interested in selling off the gold from the dissolved monasteries and making a quick buck than listening to Anne's idea of sharing the wealth around. Cromwell wanted rid of this little Amelie and so started really slagging her off to Henry, who by now was also getting sick of Anne and her inability to give birth to a boy. Cromwell led the accusations of her adultery (which were probably untrue) and ultimately Anne was executed. Nobody thought that this would really happen but on the 19th May 1536, Henry blocked and deleted her number, and for a good while everybody in the group chat was shook to the core.

I don't want to end on a bad note for poor Anne, so let me tell you two happier things: 1) When her daughter Liz became queen the reputation of her mother was really restored and she was martyred and 2) Thomas Cromwell ended up getting executed by Henry himself in 1540. oops, bye monster!
 
Last edited:

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
3. Jane Seymour
1618494096268.png

The people's champion, Jane Seymore was not as privileged as Catherine or Anne had been, and had actually served as Catherine's maid before the divorce went down. Jane was a contrast to outspoken Anne because she was very gentle and a bit like the Emma Bunton to Catherine's Geri Halliwell or Anne's Mel Beh. Jane was by all accounts a really NICE person and would probably won Moopyrate 1537 but also been accused of being a 'blandie' by Tigerclaw and Ye Olde Sheena. One of the nicest things Jane did was to try and get Anne's daughter Mary back to the status she had once been, and although she didn't quite convince Henry to put Mary back in the line of succession, she did manage to get Mary to come down from her room and have dinner with them on occassion.

Jane is known for being Henry's favourite because she actually managed to give birth to a boy, Edward, but then sadly passed away twelve days later. It is testament to her good nature that both Mary and Elizabeth went on to treat Edward really nicely and helped to bring him up. Jane babe, there may not be enough moments to make a youtube best-of compilation about you, but you did yourself proud.

4. Anne of Cleves
1618494201047.png


It is said that Henry either married for love or for politics, and if his marriage to Jane was about love, then his marriage to Anne was certainly political. Anne was from Germany and in 1540 this Erasmus exchange student was about to have the Gap Year of her life. A lot of marriages were about strengthening political ties and, freshly bereaved from Jane's death, Henry was persuaded to give Cascada Anne of Cleves a go on the assumption that she was really fit. The sticking point with Anne of Cleves seems to be that she wasn't as hot as she was made out, but some historians dispute this as being an excuse for the real tea which is as follows: Henry was supposed to be introduced to Anne of Cleves at a costume party and when she got there he came over in some sort of a dress-up and Anne unfortunately did not recognise who he was. This really wounded Henry's massive ego and, as a result, the relationship was off to a really rocky start.

Anne of Cleves should really be remembered for being quite savvy, because when Henry threw his toys out of his pram and decided he wanted to now get with one of the hottest new arrivals on the court scene Miss Catherine Howard, Anne agreed to an annulment straight away and said it was totally cool, we can just be mates. This approach was probably a shock to Henry who was used to drama, and as a result Anne got given quite a generous severance package and remained on good terms with Henry until his death. That's what leads noted Moopy icon @HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid to refer to Anne as a "shrewd INFP".
 
Last edited:

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
5. Catherine Howard

1618494966867.png

I'm not going to lie to you girls, Catherine Howard is probably the most troubled of our divas and I am going to go against the grain of a lot of historians who have described her as an agent of chaos and put forward the argument that she was actually the victim of a rough upbringing and her chaotic behaviour as an adult should be viewed through that lens. There is a lot of evidence that Catherine actually suffered a lot of sexual abuse growing up - including from a music teacher when she was 12 - and some of the historical interpretations of her are misogynistic and NOT OKAY. Catherine was certainly raised in an environment which lacked stability or good role models and, unlike most of the other wives, was not raised with the intention of becoming royalty. The more you read about Catherine Howard the more you get so god damn angry that this Queen doesn't get a happier ending and also how history views her as being some sort of hussy.

Catherine appeared in Henry's life when her uncle, the Duke of Norfolk, got her work experience as Anne of Cleve's maid. Catherine had a great personality as well as being attractive, and Henry soon noticed her and before long they were married. Fairytale ending for our Lambeth diva? Afraid not. So, one of Catherine's ABUSERS Francis Dereham, who used to hang around her house and 'lay' with her when she was 13 and lift up her dresses, suddenly re-emerged on the scene when she got married to Henry and used these past misdemeanours to get Catherine to give him a job on the privvy council. Catherine's main fear was that Francis would go and tell everyone about their sexual exploits from when she was younger and so Catherine had to basically keep him sweet and this level of blackmail makes me so god damn angry I can't even finish this sent-

Okay so at this point, Catherine is married and she's got the chance of a new beginning and is keeping her blackmailers at bay, when she accidentally falls in love with this guy called Thomas Culpeper, who was a courtier and friend of Henry VIII. They begin to have a full blown affair, whereby Catherine even starts LOCKING her bedroom door at night, and all those around her start turning a blind eye because it's the sort of messy shit that you know is going to come down on you if you even think about getting involved. Unfortunately, someone does squeal and an investigation is launched into Catherine's alleged affair. When Henry is first told about these rumours he doesn't believe it, because he really liked her and just didn't want it to be true. When the investigation is finished and Henry is told it's actually true he apparently started crying, which for someone who has treated so many people like shit is a curious image that makes me chortle. Aww poor Hen.

Catherine was executed, along with Culpeper and Catherine's best judy who promised to keep her secret till the end. Catherine has been vilified through history because of her affair and that she was her own undoing, but I'm not having it. Catherine was 20 and had her whole life to live, and then basically has to get married to a now very-obese and ageing Henry VIII whilst also having to fend off people from her past who are trying to leech off of her. I'm sorry but this girl deserved a MEDAL not a beheading.


6. Catherine Parr
1618497219181.png

Catherine is known as being the survivor, but she did so much more than that. Catherine was one smart cookie, and wrote several books and was a champion of women's education. Catherine was also a binding force for her step-children - Mary, Elizabeth and Edward - and managed to bring this family together in the way that Mary J Blige would sing about in her 2001 single "Family Affair". Catherine actually survived a DICEY situation with Henry where he got mad at her suggestions for religious reform, but she was smart enough to downplay the situation before her arrest. Allegedly he had a seventh wife in mind, some little bee in his court ALSO named Catherine. Catherine only outlived Henry by a year because she died of a fever and was POSSIBLY POISONED by to be honest I'm too bereft with drama now to go into that detail.

If you are interested in the true lives of these women who have had their lives reduced to one-word, then there is a musical called SIX, which features this great song which sounds like GRL - Ugly Heart and, like Ugly Heart, is an empowerment anthem that should be a number-one single. This flashmob promo performance from outside the Tower of London is HOT.


FIN! HISTORY FORUM NOW PLEASE.
 
Last edited:

Kate

mildly communist
Joined
Feb 6, 2004
Messages
76,247
Location
loony left
My vote is open and ready to be swayed. I would like to know who was the most feminist but also an intelligent, funny and nice person.
 

KindaCool

You've got issues.
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
15,718
Location
Chicago
Catherine Parr. She had the 'advantage' of being his last wife, but still. She was the only one who knew how to work him. And she already had her own wealth and education without him. Read her literary works if y'all get the chance.

An oft forgotten feminist icon.
 

dmlaw

Democracy doesn't work
Joined
Aug 24, 2009
Messages
17,026
2) Thomas Cromwell ended up getting executed by Henry himself in 1540. oops, bye monster!
Honestly, If there's a monster in this whole story, it's PRETTY CLEARLY Henry.
 

KindaCool

You've got issues.
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
15,718
Location
Chicago
Boleyn was problematic af. Nothing says women's rights like spiting your teenage stepdaughter.
 

octophone

robo-bongo-cuckoo-cop
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
49,563
Jane Seymour or GTFO. I'll accept Anne Of Cleves at a push due the fact that I doubt I'd last more than 6 months in a marriage.
 

Marilyn

User
Joined
Jul 14, 2012
Messages
5,893
Olympia Dukakis talks about Anne Boleyn while sitting on the toilet in Steel Magnolias so she's the most culturally relevant to me
 

ZenGiraffe

High Mileage, Low Rent
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
11,204
Location
San Marino
@Suomi could I have analysis on what political parties each queen would stand for if they were alive and politically active today, which cabinet position would they be given, and what scandal would ultimately lead to their resignation?
 

Ag

User
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
207,281
Location
Your womb
I'm actually super rubbish at Henry VIII and his wives. Between now and summer next year I need to have a functioning knowledge of the last 1000 years of the history of Britian and Nazi Germany (:eyes:), so ask me then. But I've visited the homes of Anne Boleyn and Anne of Cleves, so them. They were both hospitable hosts.
 

KindaCool

You've got issues.
Joined
Nov 13, 2012
Messages
15,718
Location
Chicago
@Suomi could I have analysis on what political parties each queen would stand for if they were alive and politically active today, which cabinet position would they be given, and what scandal would ultimately lead to their resignation?

Not gay enough. Pop stars and Divas instead plz Suomi.
 

Phoenix

I am not a liar ;)
Joined
Apr 9, 2005
Messages
28,613
My very superficial rating:

1. Anne of Cleves - she has the best song in Six
2. Catherine of Aragon - was played by Maria Doyle Kennedy
3. Ann Boleyn - feels like a the commoner’s choice
4. Catherine Howard -
5. Catherine Parr - at least she managed to outlast him
6. Jane Seymour - a bit of wet blanket
 

Madison

Everything goes up by six
Joined
Dec 8, 2005
Messages
63,241
Location
ex-European Union
Parr followed by Aragon.

Parr had four husbands, was a fantastic step mother (at least while Henry was alive), was phenomenally brainy, wrote books, married a hunk and a tragic end.
 
Last edited:

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
OUR LAST TWO DIVAS HAVE HAD THEIR WRITE-UP, now read and VOTE!
 

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
@Suomi could I have analysis on what political parties each queen would stand for if they were alive and politically active today
Catherine of Aragon - SNP
Anne Boleyn - Corbynista
Jane Seymour - apolitical
Anne of Cleves - Green Party
Catherine Howard - #freebritney
Catherine Parr - only focus would have been on dismantling the patriarchy
 

Tisch

Pauline Quirke has passed away...
Joined
Jun 11, 2010
Messages
29,597
Location
South Sandwich Islands
I have a soft spot for Catherine Howard as well as her only crime was to be young and slutty also my friend played her on TV once (and got her bobs out!) :shock:

She was also the cousin of Lady Jane Grey so I bet her uncle was well proud he managed to off his daughter and niece! :evil:
 

dmlaw

Democracy doesn't work
Joined
Aug 24, 2009
Messages
17,026
Catherine of Aragon - SNP
Anne Boleyn - Corbynista
Jane Seymour - apolitical
Anne of Cleves - Green Party
Catherine Howard - #freebritney
Catherine Parr - only focus would have been on dismantling the patriarchy
They all married an incredibly autocratic king, so they're pretty much all Tories, except for Jane Seymour, who's a Liberal Democrat, and Catherine Howard, who doesn't really follow politics lol.
 

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
I recently read that Lady Jane Grey's panicky gay PAs organised her a really quick parade in London to declare her as queen before anyone else could lay claim, and during it one boy in the disapproving crowd shouted out "MARY IS OUR TRUE QUEEN" and he had both his ears chopped off :o :(
 

Suomi

User
Joined
Jun 16, 2004
Messages
50,381
They all married an incredibly autocratic king, so they're pretty much all Tories, except for Jane Seymour, who's a Liberal Democrat, and Catherine Howard, who doesn't really follow politics lol.
they had no choice :oi: and take that back about C-How - she had a rough childhood, she didn’t have time to follow Question Time :evil:
 
Last edited:

Gangsta Nancy Lam

Slut's Spaghetti
Joined
Jun 6, 2012
Messages
13,089
Location
Hell
WIFE RATE
1. Anne Boleyn - credited with importing blow jobs from France, inspiring Greensleeves, AND severing England's relationship with the Papacy. HER IMPACT.

2. Catherine of Aragon - was by all accounts actually very good at her job, also refused to take the divorce lying down, so GOOD FOR HER.

3. Catherine Howard - I'm glad you've reclaimed the long SLUT-SHAMED Catherine so I don't have to @Suomi. She was only about 17 when shit went down, so it's all a bit SAD. Whichever way you look at it, she either brings a sniff of SCANDAL or a bit of TRAGEDY to the whole affair. She would win the SIX the musical rate, because her song slaps.

4. Anne of Cleves - I think her reputation as a #catfish is probably quite unfair, and Henry just no longer needed the alliance she was there to create now that the risk of invasion from Europe had died down, but at the end of the day, she lived the rest of her life in luxury and didn't have to nurse Henry's oozing wounds, so she's the real winner.

5. Catherine Parr - Poor Catherine had no luck. First she was forced to marry Henry instead of the bloke she actually loved, and then when she finally got to marry the bloke she actually loved, he tried to knob her step-daughter Elizabeth.

6. Jane Seymour - You won. Enjoy the male heir, Jane, I hope he makes you very happy.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top Bottom