Moopyvision 2000-2009: Round 7 - Turkey, Denmark, Belarus & Georgia RESULTS

[VoR]

God this bottom half of Denmark is truly rancid. I struggle to think of a country with a more unappealing clump of entries, except maybe Hungary in the mid-10s.

 

[Penelope]

5th: Sidsel Ben Semmane - Twist of Love (115pts)

Imagine being so SHIT AT SEX you got accused of not knowing how to make someone EXIST!

I confess that I've always had a sneaking regard for this unashamed 60s rip-off nonsense - it's peppy and actually somewhat FUN, which counts for a lot in this Danish lineup - but let's face it, in a Scandinavian battle of shiny golden boots that year, this was only going one way against the SKEKSIS CAROL.

1 x 12 (@ButterTart)
3 x 2 (@VoR, @auretz, @ZenGiraffe)

 

[Penelope]

4th: DQ - Drama Queen (119pts)

It's basically reductive in every single possible way imaginable, but I've developed more of a regard for this over the course of this round. Up against the rest of this lineup, it almost feels like a miracle it won a Danish selection at all, even if it does feel a lot like the one time your straight-laced coworker comes on a gay night out in the absolute worst drag you've ever seen in your life (and then NEVER AGAIN AFTER)

All that being said, it is obviously objectively dreadful colour-by-numbers stuff, and it's hardly much of a surprise it failed to get out of a semi even as -parched as 2007's - though in fairness it was a little hard done by, with things like the dress reveal being ruined by some absolutely diabolical camerawork by the Helsinki production team.

DQ later went on to much more worthwhile affairs, effectively serving as the journalistic compere during rehearsals fortnight at Eurovision 2014, and I'm sure @VoR and @Pingu have much more interesting tales to tell about how much of a bitch she was to Kala during the whole thing

3 x 12 (@Kevin7, @Music, @Tisch)
1 x 0 (@Queen of the Bay)

 

[VoR]

Hate Twist of Love. So lazy and slapdash.

Drama Queen is crap but yes, I did warm up to Mrs Kasha Davis DQ after going to Denmark years later.

 

[dmlaw]

DQ was just horrifying in every single way. If I had to pick the one thing that I resent all the male mid tempo ballads for the most, it’s preventing me from giving it a good hard zero.

 

[Tisch]

DQ is SO SO GOOD

I guess she just held absolutely nothing to Verka, but if you think of her standalone, she shines.

 

[Penelope]

3rd: Rollo & King - Never Ever Let You Go (125pts)

The final slot has taken on a real blessing-or-a-curse quality in recent years, just as often condemning tracks to bottom 5 ignominy as success, but this feels like an object lesson in just how much of a talisman it can be for entries that really own their lane - indeed, probably going down as one of the best closers the modern contest has seen.

Ultimately, it wasn't enough to outdo Estonia - but falling 21 points short still left it easily the nearest to a double win we've had since Ireland's horrifying 90s three-peat. Despite scoring a domestic #1 hit with this and a double platinum-selling album, they split up not too soon afterwards. Heroin really is the great leveller for us all

6 x 12 (@Soldi, @Suomi, @Ill Advised, @David 5000, @dmlaw, @Madison)
1 x 0 (@Kevin7)

 

[Penelope]

DQ is SO SO GOOD

I guess she just held absolutely nothing to Verka, but if you think of her standalone, she shines.

They never directly competed! Verka autoqualified as Ukraine were top 10 the year before.

 

[win_the_game]

OMG OMG Malene is still in this.

 

[Penelope]

2nd: Malene - Tell Me Who You Are (134pts)

[the Danish broadcaster's offices, March 2002]

Danish broadcasters in suits: Ok Malene congratulations on winning the selection! How do you think we should stage your high drama pop number in Tallinn
Malene: I think I should stand in one spot like a deer in the headlights and dance like the one girl in the circle who's left out and isn't getting laid tonight. Everyone will love it

ADAM CURTIS (narrating): But not everyone did love it. Except one young gay in Edinburgh, Scotland, whose life was about to change

2 x 12 (@win_the_game, @auretz)
1 x 1 (@Kevin7)

 

[ButterTart]

3rd: Rollo & King - Never Ever Let You Go (125pts)

The final slot has taken on a real blessing-or-a-curse quality in recent years, just as often condemning tracks to bottom 5 ignominy as success, but this feels like an object lesson in just how much of a talisman it can be for entries that really own their lane - indeed, probably going down as one of the best closers the modern contest has seen.

Ultimately, it wasn't enough to outdo Estonia - but falling 21 points short still left it easily the nearest to a double win we've had since Ireland's horrifying 90s three-peat. Despite scoring a domestic #1 hit with this and a double platinum-selling album, they split up not too soon afterwards. Heroin really is the great leveller for us all

6 x 12 (@Soldi, @Suomi, @Ill Advised, @David 5000, @dmlaw, @Madison)
1 x 0 (@Kevin7)

Sidsel losing out to this absolute shite is truly disgusting. How the hell did anyone distinguish this from the rest of the watery old toot sagging around at the bottom of the list?

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

She entered the Danish music scene in 2001, during the first season of Stjerne for en aften, the Danish edition of Star for a Night. She made it to the finals, with her rendition of Moloko's "Sing It Back". The following year, she entered the Dansk Melodi Grand Prix, the Danish national pre-selection for the Eurovision Song Contest.

Love that her Wikipedia page entirely omits her ESC participation.

 

[win_the_game]

That performance really was LIFE CHANGING. The definitive sultry gem.

 

[ButterTart]

2nd: Malene - Tell Me Who You Are (134pts)

[the Danish broadcaster's offices, March 2002]

Danish broadcasters in suits: Ok Malene congratulations on winning the selection! How do you think we should stage your high drama pop number in Tallinn
Malene: I think I should stand in one spot like a deer in the headlights and dance like the one girl in the circle who's left out and isn't getting laid tonight. Everyone will love it

ADAM CURTIS (narrating): But not everyone did love it. Except one young gay in Edinburgh, Scotland, whose life was about to change

2 x 12 (@win_the_game, @auretz)
1 x 1 (@Kevin7)

The early 2000s were a real golden age for equality since everyone looked equally abysmal.

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

The Danish version is quite lovely too.



wonder if she'd have got more points with the slightly cultural appropriation hairdo.

 

[win_the_game]

I mean it's the virgin bottom anthem that never was.

Show me what to do
Let me be the one that you hold on to

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

A (translated) redaction from after Malene won the National Final:

'There is some pressure since I am a favorite." said a clearly touched Malene W. Mortensen, hoping the nerves will go the distance.

However, the young singer had to suffered some reproach on her way to victory of the Danish selection, after the expert jury rated her song as the worst of the five final tunes. Just like last year, however, it was the phone and the text messages that actually named the eventual winner. And here Malene Mortensen was superb and received maximum points in all regions.

'I can't relate to the other people's thoughts. That's why I don't want to set any expectations for my own," she says.

 

[VoR]

The saddest element of the Malene story is that she now makes a living singing JAZZ! Truly a fate worse than death

 

[Madíson]

I’m AGOG at how high Malene is.

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

Malene walked her sultry gem so that Anja Nissen could run.

 

[Penelope]

1st: The Olsen Brothers - Fly on the Wings of Love (158pts)

Look. If your heart doesn't melt even a bit at the moment when Jørgen Olsen - a man who along with his brother spent 22 years attempting to enter Eurovision for Denmark, only succeeding on their seventh try - halfway through stares out across the contest's first ever arena crowd all waving their phones in communal joy and euphoria, and lets out a little laugh of disbelief that finally, finally, he and his brother have made it there, old men who are supposed to be far past their prime, and everyone loves the song they're singing, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm not sure there's a victory that felt more organic, poignant, and like it was never supposed to happen than this one - or another that can still almost bring me to tears if it catches me at the right moment. A real testament to how undeniable the source material is here, given how much this is the polar opposite of everything I'd ever ordinarily stand for.



6 x 12 (@Penelope, @VoR, @Queen of the Bay, @Pingu, @Haiku, @ZenGiraffe)
1 x 2 (@Music)

 

[VoR]

I’m convinced that in the download era that would have been a big fat UK hit. As it is I don’t recall if it even got released.

Obviously it went on to hit the top ten in dance form a couple of years later.

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

Absolutely wonderful winner for Denmark, one of those songs that still lands on every listen for me.

 

[ZenGiraffe]

(I was of course voting on the basis that it gave us the XTM version )

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

I’m convinced that in the download era that would have been a big fat UK hit. As it is I don’t recall if it even got released.

Obviously it went on to hit the top ten in dance form a couple of years later.

Only saw a limited promo release in the UK (charting to the soaring heights of no. 160), shame cause I agree would've done well in the download era.

 

[Penelope]

Also - that STANDING OVATION at the end! Has a Swedish audience EVER sounded so animated BEFORE OR SINCE?

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

Also - that STANDING OVATION at the end! Has a Swedish audience EVER sounded so animated BEFORE OR SINCE?

I'd like to believe they would've done for Kadiatou if the lazy girl could've invested some energy to her performance.

 

[ButterTart]

The saddest element of the Malene story is that she now makes a living singing JAZZ! Truly a fate worse than death

I could have made my peace with her making a living as a draught excluder, or as a fluffer for endangered monkeys during mating season, but jazz? That's just demeaning.

 

[dmlaw]

I was very surprised that the Olsen Brothers were allowed to send a cover of the XTM & DJ Chucky original to Eurovision.

 

[ButterTart]

Fly On The Wings Of Love was brilliant. Also, I was ready to accept Penvelope's description of them as 'old men' until I discovered they were 50 and 46 here

 

[Penelope]

Right, let's get this HORROR ROUND out of the way so we can return to much more fare because CHRIST we've earned it

10th: Sedat Yüce - Sevgiliye son (17pts)

I really wasn't expecting to go into this finding a new least favourite Eurovision entry of the decade, but fuck me this is rancid in EVERY SINGLE WAY. Diabetic, gloopy, rotten molasses pop balladry that frankly has no place at all existing after 1993, let alone being sent to represent a nation, and which somehow managed to rally enough support to come within a point of finishing in the top ten. I listened to this once and had to burn my flat afterwards!

1 x 4 (@auretz - PERVERT!)
9 x 0 (@Penelope, @win_the_game, @Soldi, @VoR, @ButterTart, @Pingu, @dmlaw, @Madison, @ZenGiraffe)

 

[Penelope]

Fly On The Wings Of Love was brilliant. Also, I was ready to accept Penvelope's description of them as 'old men' until I discovered they were 50 and 46 here

WHAT! That was OLD in 2000!

 

[Dark Carnival]

Yay Turkey!

 

[ButterTart]

WHAT! That was OLD in 2000!

One need only look at dilapidated gin parlour Nicki French (36) to acknowledge the truth in that statement.

 

[Penelope]

9th: Athena - For Real (50pts)

OMG he's for real guys! Couldn't you TELL from his tattoos?!

(Oh fine, I don't actually despise this as ska goes, but I've always found it wryly amusing just how LADY DOTH PROTEST the whole thing was here.)

1 x 12 (@Queen of the Bay)
3 x 0 (@Ill Advised, @Music, @Tisch)

 

[Penelope]

8th: Kenan Doğulu - Shake It Up Şekerim (71pts)

Look. I don't have anything against short people - I just don't think they make effective vehicles for perv-pop. Just as the fantasy of Violent Thing probably would've fallen apart if 5 foot 1 Ben Dolič ever performed it live anywhere, I'm not entirely convinced anyone would actually respond anywhere near as well as the televotes implied to a 5 foot 4 sleazy baked gerbil sidling up to them in a club in real life and telling them to shake it up sweetheart, unless it was, y'know, PRINCE.

That said, judging from the votes for this this sort of thing possibly operates as a talisman/Mary Sue wish fulfilment for straight men, so I'll give it a pass because representation is important (and remind you all that for just a £5 monthly direct debit, you too can donate a charity sex doll and help prevent sexual starvation in our nation's suburbs )

1 x 10 (@dmlaw)
3 x 0 (@David 5000, @Haiku, @Diddy)

 

[Haiku Rewrites]

8th: Kenan Doğulu - Shake It Up Şekerim (71pts)

3 x 0 (@David 5000, @Haiku, @Diddy)

I am in great company at my disdain for this circus terror.

 

[Suomi]

Shake It Up Şekerim has a very promising intro

 

[Dark Carnival]

dogshit, the worst of the bunch really.

 

[ZenGiraffe]

8th: Kenan Doğulu - Shake It Up Şekerim (71pts)

Look. I don't have anything against short people - I just don't think they make effective vehicles for perv-pop. Just as the fantasy of Violent Thing probably would've fallen apart if 5 foot 1 Ben Dolič ever performed it live anywhere, I'm not entirely convinced anyone would actually respond anywhere near as well as the televotes implied to a 5 foot 4 sleazy baked gerbil sidling up to them in a club in real life and telling them to shake it up sweetheart, unless it was, y'know, PRINCE.

That said, judging from the votes for this this sort of thing possibly operates as a talisman/Mary Sue wish fulfilment for straight men, so I'll give it a pass because representation is important (and remind you all that for just a £5 monthly direct debit, you too can donate a charity sex doll and help prevent sexual starvation in our nation's suburbs )

1 x 10 (@dmlaw)
3 x 0 (@David 5000, @Haiku, @Diddy)

There was a brief moment when I considered giving this 12 before I came to my senses.