My top 32 favourite Real Housewives of ALL TIME: it's finally OVER!

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Why is there a lack of good looking men?

Of the franchises I've watched there seems to be just Mauricio (in the earlier years), Juan Dixon and holla's husband Jonathan who never speaks. Am I missing anyone?

Pheadra's Apollo can use my face as a seat ANY TIME of the night or day :disco:

But, yeah, particularly in New York the men are REPULSIVE :D I'd rather have a go on sweet, collected BOBBY ZARIN (RIP) than most of the SAD CASES those women dredge up.
 

jivafox

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ADAM for me OBVS

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The fact that he likes ugly old sinewy creatures means I’m in with a GOOD CHANCE!
 
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He can be the WOLF of MY Wall Street whenever he likes :disco:

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Even though she had NO RELATIONSHIP with any of the women (:D), I'd have loved another JULES season. She had SOMETHING ABOUT HER more than most one and GONES (probably prescription drugs!). BIG Katie Rost energy :disco:
 
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Adam just seemed like he'd FART ALL THE TIME and not in a hot way. And I'd NEVER want CAROLE'S sloppy seconds :argh:

Luann's feud about CAROLE stealing her private chef (for the day of filming only) though :disco:
 

Frozen

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Yeah Adam did nothing for me, he looked like he hadn't showered in a decade and mumbled his way through every scene he was in.
 

Phoenix

I’m sorry Kathy
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Joey Gorga’s genitals probably shrunk into his body from all the steroids.
 

Phoenix

I’m sorry Kathy
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I was gonna say, and he’s never had a blow job before so he’ll be grateful.
 
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Jackie REALLY hit the JACKPOT with him didn't she :D LOOKS, MONEY BEYOND HER WILDEST DREAMS and access to a new life as a reality tv star most fans are COMPLETELY AMBIVALENT about :D
 

Frozen

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I don't know Joey Gorga but a quick Google shows he's giving off big Damien Crosse looks. Yes please.
 

Will

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Oh yeah, and as for Dorinda - I'll join the chorus of those hoping she comes back. Maybe even after only one season out. She has been quite vocal after all, that she should have taken a year off for season 13.

It's a credit to her contribution to the show that she does feel like an OG. Next season, when we see Ramona, Luann and Sonja interact, it's gonna feel like there's someone missing. :(
 

Apoca

I LOVE THAT
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Meanwhile, I love these compilation videos that have started sprouting like crazy during the past few months. Bless Gamble, she's such a delightful ditz.

 

jivafox

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For some reason the way she howls “COME ON CHYKA, YOU’RE A GROWN WOMAN!!!” always tickles me.
 
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You gals will be THRILLED to know there is PLENTY of Melbourne still to come :disco:

and FOR MY SINS I didn't quote Janet's "I was asking you a question you dumb fat bitch!" in my write up as it was part of one of the highlight videos embed, but let's be honest it really DID deserve a FULL MENTION. I may have to retrospectively ADD IT IN :D
 
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Maybe we should do some KEY EPISODE WATCH ALONGS during the deepest dark nights of January.
I'd absolutely recommend Dubai, Angela Stone AND Pettifleur's book launches, the Sydney Reunion AND first episode alongside the obvious USA classics :disco:
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Hope you're all ready to WHOOP IT UP! :disco:

15: Vicki Gunvalson - The Real Housewives of Orange County
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The OG of the OC has arrived! Please understand this woman was on TV for over a DECADE, and has literally hundreds of hours of footage of her available to watch - so if I miss your FAVOURITE VICKI MOMENT it's because there's literally SO MUCH TO SAY about this awful, horrible, disgusting yet insanely watchable harpie :D

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Vicki is possibly one of the best known Housewives with the general public, purely I think because her tenure on the show was SO LONG.
I see her DEMONIC FACE used all across the internet as non-Housewife related gifs all the time. She managed 14 seasons on the show, before being basically BOOTED off the show because the fans (and production, lets be real) HATED HER (and also probably because by that point she was pulling in a ludicrously inflated yearly salary that the ratings didn't justify).

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I don't think Vicki would be cast on a Housewife show as a new Housewife in 2020.
In many ways, compared to the casting in other franchises Vicki really is absolutely ORDINARY. She isn't particularly talented or charismatic, she's not really a classic beauty - nor does she really have a fairytale/unbelievable story to bolster her background. She's just an incredibly screechy, Republican insurance saleswoman from the OC who many moons ago signed onto a COMPLETELY different reality show to what it has now evolved into - and in doing so she basically made a deal with the devil and genuinely became a MONSTER in the process :D

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I mentioned early OC in the Tamra write up, so will just quickly gloss over now.
It was a very different show - a much slower genuine GLIMPSE BEHIND THE IRON GATE of rich gated communities in the OC area. The women don't interact much, and to be honest Vicki was never really the STAR OF THE SHOW in the early seasons either. She was just sort of THERE blathering on about work, her family and screeching at random intervals. It was only really when ALL THE OTHER OG's left, and she started to bond with Tamra that Vicki really came to the forefront of the show, and by that point she had sort of become anchor-by-default having had the longest run of all the wives.

If you weren't already aware, Vicki is an absolutely DESPICABLE human being. She has done some truly DARK and TWISTED things on the show, she NEVER EVER admits fault or is accountable for her actions, and constantly deflects or tries to change the subject - often by saying something EVEN WORSE back at whoever is calling her out.
I mentioned Tamra is an awful human being in her write up (and she is), but you DO get the sense that at least some of Tamra's awfulness is totally performative for the camera - I absolutely believe the Vicki we see on TV is exactly the same person is real life, IF NOT WORSE!

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A good snapshot of Vicki's awfulness I feel is well represented in THIS CLIP, where despite (HER FRIEND!) Shannon's protests and obvious upset, Vicki brings up OFF-CAMERA rumours of domestic violence Shannon has allegedly-suffered - and then KEEPS GOING despite what she is doing being told by EVERYBODY what she is doing is completely and utterly NOT OK, and Shannon's very obvious distress and pain.
It sounds awful (and it is), but it's proper jaw-to-the-floor how is this even being FILMED stuff, and let's be honest - this isn't even Vicki at her WORST!


So why is she even in this countdown? The truth is, Vicki is an absolutely AMAZING hate watch. I originally had her much lower in the countdown, but the more I've watched of her over the past 6 months or so the more I've realised how ADDICTIVE the absolute slow car crash that is her screen presence is. She's HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE, and yet you CANNOT TURN AWAY!

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Vicki's downfall, and absolute lowest ebb was of course the infamous CANCER SCAM. If you've never watched OC just dive into season 10 - it's an absolute riot with (IMO) the show's best cast. In short:
- Vicki is dating this horrible CON ARTIST man called Brooks who for SOME REASON has decided to tell the word he has been diagnosed with stage 3 non hodgkin's lymphoma.
- Enter new Housewife HUMAN GIRAFFE detective Meghan King Edmonds who immediately SMELLS A PSYCHIC-INDUCED RAT (quite possibly aided by a production DESPERATE to tear Vicki down)
- Meghan is not scared of Vicki, and will not take her foot off Vicki & Brook's necks the ENTIRE SEASON - fact checking everything they claim, calling up the DOCTORS they are apparently visiting for treatment and generally NOT HAVING IT ALL and sowing the seeds of doubt with the other wives too.
- This season features the infamous VICKI vs MEGHAN fight in FancyPants Heather's UNBUILT MANSION, of which Vicki deflects deflects deflects, and then invokes the SPIRIT OF JESUS. It's bonkers in the best possible way, and Meghan deserves an Oscar for how UNRATTLED she is by the whole thing.
- You can watch a great cutdown of the CANCER SCAM here, but it weirdly omits the part of Vicki summoning the HOLY SPIRIT - so you'll have to watch the embed below TOO for the full version of this moment :disco:


I would have loved to have watched this season live, it must have been an insane WEEKLY ROLLERCOASTER. It's since come out that Brooks had faked medical documents to claim he had cancer on the show, and Vicki later sued him for deformation amongst other things.
Do I think Vicki knew Brooks was lying? TO THIS VERY DAY she claims she had no idea he was lying, despite the huge amount of evidence suggestion he WAS.
I personally believe she didn't initially know, and when she realised she was IN TOO DEEP and kept on with it to try and save some sort of face - what a stupid, and immoral, mistake!
Incredibly Vicki was KEPT ON THE SHOW for several seasons after this - but her trust within the other women AND the fanbase was totally crumbled by this point, and it was QUITE CLEAR her time on the show was soon to come to an end (more on that later).

I just want to mention Vicki's LONG SUFFERING daughter Briana here. I'm not usually so hot on FAMILY EXTRAS on Housewives, but Briana is one of my favourites. Briana clearly secretly hates her EVIL MOTHER somewhat, yet also kind of loves her equally. I'm sure there's some resentment there from Brianna for being FORCED to grow up on camera.
Briana HATES cancer scam Brooks, and really goes ALL IN at one of the reunions (I think season 8?) properly tearing into him, and her mother. She basically ends up borderline DISOWNING Vicki and her toxic relationship and moving to Oklahoma to GET AWAY FROM HER. Briana isn't necessarily fabulous - but she is straight talking and good on camera. I wouldn't be surprised if production had floated the idea of her becoming a Housewife HERSELF at some point. During several seasons she kind of feels like a bonus Housewife anyway.

God there is STILL SO MUCH MORE TO SAY :D Let's do a quick checklist to speed up:
- Production HATE Vicki, and it's really obvious if you watch the show :D Her taglines always (?) feature Vicki screeching in some way at the end of them, and it cracks me up EVERY TIME.
- Vicki has plenty of iconic cringe moments, helpfully compiled into a highlights package here that I really urge you to watch. It's also an interesting timeline of Vicki's EVER CHANGING FACE:




- ^the above starts with her infamous "WHY ARE YOU SENDING A FAMILY VAN!!!" meltdown scene, which was a REAL taster of what was to come in later seasons :D
- It also features the time she GATECRASHED her own sons party, the cringe is VERY PERTINENT HERE.
- The time she "bought" Brianna a car, to Brianna's utter non-interest. (She didn't even BUY Brianna a car! She put a downpayment on one and made Brianna pay the monthly instalments :D). She later bought Brianna ANOTHER CAR to a similar reaction in a later season :D
- It features the FULL Meghan vs Vicki cancer scam JESUS FIGHT :disco:
- FINALLY it features from 13.49 onwards one of my all-time FAVOURITE Housewife scenes :D The women are on holiday in Iceland, and Vicki suddenly "FALLS ILL". The Police (!) and an ambulance are called, and Vicki is basically SHUNTED out of the hotel in the most dramatic fashion possible - in a wheelchair with her face TOTALLY COVERED. It's SO BONKERS and even funnier in the full episode - particularly when you realise Vicki basically just has a HANGOVER! :D
 
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VICKI CONTINUED:

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Other Vicki things:
- She CONSTANTLY uses religious terminology when referring to herself. She's ALWAYS nailed to the cross. Satan is always involved when her life goes wrong. People look at her with an EVIL EYE :eyes: ANYTHING to avoid being held to account.
- She DEMANDS a casserole should she suffer misfortunate, and is SHOCKED when people don't flock round to bring her one :D
- She LOVES WORK, mentions her job at least 4 times an episode, and is never happier than at work at Coto Insurance - essentially COLD CALLING the elderly and scaring them into handing over their money for insurance they don't even need.
- She refers to her vagina as her LOVE TANK, and she loves to WHOOP IT UP (get drunk, act shamefully, and pretend in never happened when brought up in future episodes :D)
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- It was ONCE ALLEDGED Vicki slept with MULTIPLE PARTNERS whilst on a ski trip...it did NOT go down well with Vicki :D
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^this is a quick cutdown, the full edit of this moment features Vicki's screeching echoing THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS :D

I think underneath it all Vicki is horrifically insecure. She cannot be alone, and is a completely over-bearing mother - which just DRIVES HER KIDS AWAY.
One of the most chilling scenes I've ever seen on Housewives is a really small one. Vicki and Brooks are out for dinner somewhere, and Vicki just says out of the blue, but completely sincerely "You know I'd take a bullet for you don't you." to no reaction from Brooks. It's SO SAD, and shows how little self worth Vicki has for herself.

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I rank OC reunions as some of the best across the franchise, as they are one of the few times the cast can sit Vicki down and HOLD HER TO ACCOUNT for her horrible awful actions.
Her final reunion was her final moment on the show, and it really was some of the best reality TV I've EVER SEEN.
Vicki is held is a dressing room/CELL for the first part of the reunion (as she's only a friend-of for season 14, not a full cast member) which just TORMENTS her.
She's finally let on set, and the show just offers Vicki the rope to hang herself. She explodes at everybody. starts blurting out horrible homophobic comments at Braunwyn, then demands she "GETS OFF HER SHOW".
It's a mortifying, disgusting performance that is deliciously watchable and ends with Vicki storming off.
The final shot of her is the one in my avatar - Vicki screaming through a door like a demon. And JUST LIKE THAT, the OG of the OC was FINALLY vanquished :disco:
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Will Vicki be back? I highly doubt it outside of a possible guest appearance if Tamra does return.
If you need EVER MORE Vicki after all this, the below compilation condenses most of the above into visual form, and is hysterical. NEXT!
 
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