OK so here we are, our FINAL CURTAIN - it's been a ride guys.
It's time to reveal my NUMBER 1 of my top 32 favourite Real Housewives of ALL TIME
YOU READY?
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01 - Quinn Fry - Real Housewives of Orange County
OH AS IF!
I was genuinely going to do a FULL LENGTH TROLL ENTRY as to why QUINN is the greatest Real Housewife of all time...but I feel like the moment for that HILARIOUS COMEDY has well and truly passed now
Quinn is of course one of the biggest oddities in the entire franchise - she only appeared for literally half a season, barely shot with any of the other women, and her storyline was mainly WEARING WIGS and taking on different personas to date and ENTRAP younger men
QUEEN! (she's not)
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01 - Luann De Lesseps/D'Agostino/The COUNTESS - Real Housewives of New York
Oh WHO ELSE could it possibly be?
SORRY Teresa! SORRY LVP! Sorry MAD SHANNON, Kandi, Kelly Dodd, Erika Jayne, Caroline Manzo and any other big Housewives names who didn't make it.
Luann is, and in my opinion, ALWAYS WILL BE the ultimate Real Housewife - and she has such a deep history and story arc both on AND off the show I really cannot see
anybody else ever challenging for the crown.
Luann, aka THE COUNTESS, is everything a Housewife should strive to be.
She's delusional, often rather unlikeable, an absolute open book in terms of access to her turbulent personal life - yet still somebody you can cheer on, and is often absolutely hilarious - and not in a way that plays up to the cameras that have been present in her life for THIRTEEN YEARS.
Even now, you still feel you are being served the authentic Luann on screen for good OR bad.
Luann has
BY FAR the biggest story arc and on-screen journey of ANY Housewife, rivalled perhaps only by Vicki of OC - and even then her CANCER SCAM has nothing on the highs and LOW LOWS we've seen play out for Luann on screen. Lu really exists in a complete league of her own in regards to the journey we've had presented - and thirteen seasons strong we're only now starting to see it all finally settle down somewhat.
More than any other Housewife Luann genuinely HAS done and seen it all. Seriously she HAS!:
- She grew up poor in Connecticut and worked as a nurse (see shot above where she genuinely looks older than she does NOW!)
- Lu started working as a model (and how GORGEOUS does she look here??)
which took her to exotic EUROPE where she worked in a Geri Halliwell-esque fashion as a hostess on Italian TV gameshows
At one brief point she was allegedly QUITE FAMOUS in Italy as a TV personality
- At some point along the way she met and married Count de Lesseps and became an actual genuine Countess, and as a result became actually engrained in European high-society for a good few years
It's easy to laugh at Luann for her haughty, often rather SNOOTY nature, but more than almost every other Housewife seen on screen she really has DONE IT, SEEN IT, SNORTED IT and GOT THE DIVORCE to show for it.
I'd actually only rank fellow NYC sister Sonja as a Housewife to rival Luann's life story - and this is before Luann even made it on the show in the first place. If you're
interested in Luann pre-Housewives, this blog goes into further details >
http://www.thathousewivesguy.com/blog-rh/tag/italian+television
During seasons 1 and 2 Luann was still married to The Count, and LAVISHED her role as Countess to much retrospectively comedic effect.
Who could forget the scenes of Lu telling Bethenny how to
correctly refer to her in the taxi, or the time she ordered a pizza under the delivery name 'MRS de Lusseps...
COUNTESS', or the time she made a scene at a charity auction because people were talking too much...then proceeded to talk all over the auction herself
Early season Luann is like a completely different PERSON to what we see on screen in 2021, mainly because she WAS.
We still see the old Luann POUR OUT several times a season, but the days of her living as a kept woman Countess are now long gone.
Luann was infamously told she was getting divorced via email around the time of the season 2 reunion, and the fallout and repercussions of Lu losing her social status as an actual Countess had a prolonged and slow effect through every season that followed. The slow disintegration of the Countess persona, and the emergence of Luann the wife, the attempted popstar, the criminal, the CABARET SENSATION and - most recently - sober mother has been beyond fascinating to behold.
It's probably worth saying here that Luann hasn't generally been a popular Housewife with the general public.
To say she's been on TV for THIRTEEN YEARS, her Instagram following is quite small compared to many of the other big name Housewives, and it's only in the past few years she's really started to see a more positive reception in terms to public reaction.
The gays however have generally ALWAYS had her back
and I do think Andy Cohen's clear genuine affection towards Luann (she's ABSOLUTELY an undeniable favourite of his) has probably helped keep her on the show for so long in the face of negative public opinion.
I personally can't help but just LOVE Luann. She really gives it her all and is absolutely unafraid of/
perhaps incapable of realising when she looks like a fool on the show. She has precisely zero self-awareness, and this often makes some of the greatest comedy moments Housewives has ever seen.
SORRY Nene Leakes, Luann ranks as my absolute catchphrase queen of all Housewives.
She somehow manages to SPIT one liners out left right and centre - often when she's clearly not intending to do so
- WHO KNEW muttering 'Eggs a'la'Francais' on the beach would still be a thing all these years on
- Would a desperately hungover Luann even RECALL passive-aggressively muttering "Be cool...don't be all like, UNCOOL" if it wasn't for the cameras?
-
"NOT REALLY!"
- Lu had a relatively mild season 12, but still delivered BY FAR the most memorable line of the entire season with
"GOODNIGHT FROM THE LOWER LEVEL!"
- "I've been travelling...I've been TO PRISON!"
- "Don't say it's about Tom..."
- "This is not the Plaza Hotel, this is MOROCCO!"
-
- "You came in, in your
Herman Munster shoes..."
- Sorry I called you a pedafile
and the list REALLY DOES GO ON! Please feel free to quote Lu FOREVER below, as she really deserves it.
This montage basically runs through all of the above, and remains as amusing as EVER (and includes the mortifying scene where she tells an 8 year old girl "LOSING WEIGHT IS THE EASY PART!"
)
DISCLAIMER: I've now sadly used up my 20 image LIMIT for this post, so I'll have to proceed without gifs for the rest of the write up
Alongside Lu's ONE LINERS, her opening sequence taglines are also generally quite iconic and some of the best across all franchises.
SHALL WE:
Season 1, 2, & 3: “I never feel guilty about being privilhghghwieged.” (this one aged like MILK!
)
Season 4: “I thought I had it good before, but I’m just getting started.” (meh)
Season 5: “To some people, living elegantly just comes naturally.” (meh again)
Season 7: “One should know…
Never count out the Countess.” (an iconic tagline, and mantra for LIFE!)
Season 8: “If you can’t be
cool, you can’t be with the
Countess.”
Season 9: “The only title I’d trade Countess for…is
WIFE.”
Season 10: “The most interesting people make the best headlines.”
Season 11: “I plead
guilty…to being
fabulous.”
Season 12: ""Raise the curtain, lower the lights, I'm taking center stage in my life."
Season 12: "I rise above the drama — and
won't settle for the lower level."
Season 13: "Of all my vices, being glamorous is one I'll never give up."
and Luann's iconic lexicon of language extends even further into her iconic music career!
Phrases such as 'MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU CLASS', 'Viva la diva', 'Feelin' Jovani' and 'Chic C'est La Vie' all became instant further extensions of brand Countess - although poor 'Girl Code' didn't really take off in the same way, despite lots of effort TRYING
Luann's music career is hilarious and baffling. Does she KNOW she can't sing? SURELY SHE MUST
KNOW!
Chic C'est La Vie does of course SLAP, especially the spoken word intro
Lu'a also capable of quite a lot of physical comedy, and this is where I'm GUTTED to not be able to post more GIFs - we need to see Luann falling into a bush, staring adoringly at her own cabaret poster and being wildly flung about on a camel ASAP!
On a personal level, Luann was my gateway drug into the franchise. I was dating a quite literally clinically-certified
MAD Russian guy around the time season 8 was airing, and we used to watch RHONY together on illegal streams each week (was there any other way to watch in the UK?
) as he was totally obsessed.
Bethenny I found witty but overbearing, Ramona demonic, Sonja fun but flimsy. But THE COUNTESS really caught my attention, and is absolutely the spark that piqued my curiosity to dive into this bonkers universe of Housewives franchises.
Luann was gruff-voiced and flighty. She clearly had a QUITE APPARENT coke habit and seemed absolutely self-obsessed.
The scene that really stuck with me was the one in the season 8 Hamptons where Jules tries to talk to Luann outside Blue Stone Manor about her DYING FATHER, and Luann just immediately changes the subject to talk about herself not even realising how absolutely insensitive she was being
There was just something so deliciously CAMP about her, and the The Countess persona just slathered on further charm.
Shall we talk STORYLINES? I actually don't think Luann is given enough credit for what she has brought to New York. Arguably her turbulent personal life was the absolute BACK BONE of the show from seasons 7-11, and an absolute reason that run of seasons is seen as Housewives god-tier.
Actually BEFORE I get into that though, I just want to highlight another comedy moment of Luann - and my most favourite ever FAKE STORYLINE I've seen on a Housewives show.
In season 5&6, Luann is 'dating' a French guy named Jacques. I don't
actually believe they were seriously dating, more a fuck-buddy Luann brought on the show to bolster her screentime. However to
have screentime you must have a storyline, so Luann conjures up a RIDICULOUS IVF storyline about having a baby with Jacques
Absolutely nobody believes it, or buys it - including Luann herself, who has a huge smirk on her face whenever this baby storyline crops up. It is hastily dropped at some point and never spoken of or referenced again. Still, this was absolutely how you do a fake storyline CORRECTLY with a knowing wink to the audience Melissa Gorga
HOW MUCH mileage did this show get out of Luann's romance, marriage and divorce from Tom?
Truly a saga of Shakespearian proportions and in my opinion the most epic story arc the any Housewives show has ever seen. Of course it didn't just end in divorce - it ended in Luann losing her damn mind, assaulting a police officer, getting arrested, going to court, having a televised intervention and being sent to rehab - all whilst launching a flourishing career as a CABARET STAR!
It was the wildest of wild rides, and that it took place over multiple seasons just made it even more delicious.
The Countess getting arrested was an absolute gag of the ages, never mind that the whole arrest was FILMED via police cameras.
The marriage to Tom was VERY QUICK and quite bizarre. He had romantic history with several other cast members by the time he'd coupled off with Lu, and was clearly cheating on her throughout the entirety of their '
romance'.
I've read a theory online that Tom needed to be married at a certain age in his life to fulfil a condition to unlock funds held in a trust for him, which looking at his behaviour really does CHECK OUT. Luann was the dummy caught up in his path - and whilst I'm sure she probably did OK as part of her divorce (and Tom had probably factored in the cost of this into the marriage in the first place
), Luann did seem to be somewhat in love with him - even if their romance wasn't
actually real.
The circumstances around Luann's arrest and state of mind at the time were troublesome to say the least, and even in the current season airing Luann is shown to have moved into an apartment that DIRECTLY OVERLOOKS Tom's penthouse
I also must mention towards the end of this epic arc winding down, this huge blow up between Bethenny and Luann ("YOU'RE A SICKO!"). One of the most iconic Housewives scenes from a recent-ish season (also why is there a toaster on the table??)
As mentioned, all of this whilst going on whilst Luann was launching a career as a cabaret star
I'm going to stick my neck out and declare this as one of the SHREWDEST BUSINESS MOVES I've seen a Housewife do
Luann launching a cabaret career was a stroke of absolute genius, and (along with Kenya Moore Haircare) by far the best business plan I've seen from a Housewife.
Would I buy Ramona's skincare? Shannon's frozen ready meals? Dr Tiffany's KETAMINE CANDLES?? no no and
yes no. Would I spend 50 quid to get drunk in the vicinity of Countess Luann one night? HELL YES ABSOLUTELY - I'd probably even stump up for a meet and greet ticket.
Pre-pandemic at least, the cabaret show seemed to be doing REALLY QUITE WELL - Lu was doing sold out tours all over the USA, and even managed to buy herself that bizarre but cute million-dollar ROUND HOUSE (now sold
)
I'm surprised more Housewives haven't tried to copy the cabaret formula - I know the TRES AMIGAS from OC tried (and failed) with a live show, and there are/were smaller events in the states with random groups of Housewives past and present- but The Countess And Friends really does reign supreme as the ultimate live Housewives EXPERIENCE
and if it ever comes to London I'm absolutely front row.
A few more favourite LUANN THINGS:
- The statement necklaces! Luann LOVES a statement necklace (usually with JADE JEWELS), and they have been part of her aesthetic since day one with no sign of going away. Thankfully she seems to have ditched her FLICKY HAIR that was her trademark until about season NINE!
- She loves to drop random VERY BASIC French and Italian phrases into conversation, just to highlight that she was a EUROPEAN COUNTESS in case anybody has forgotten. She's also VERY PARTIAL to laugh at her own jokes in her trademark deep dulcet tones.
- She was briefly demoted to FRIEND OF in season 6 - but ended up getting pretty much the same amount of screentime, and solo scenes, anyway
The demotion wasn't really a DEMOTION of sorts - it was a punishment from Bravo for Luann trying to get more money and holding out on signing her contract pre-season 6 filming started. Season 6 ended up being a really good, fun season for Luann and helped shift public opinion of her somewhat. The demotion also spawned the timeless catchphrase "One should know, NEVER count out THE COUNTESS" in season 7
- She has a hilarious relationship with Ramona, and the season 5 "pinot filled hat" scene where Ramona is an all time classic. Never mind the time Ramona claimed Luann being a BAD MOTHER as her reason to not appear in the Chic C'est La Vie video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I584etqpU_4
- Luann actually IS a bad mother - she did something really awful to her kids, I think spent their inheritance? They ended up taking her to COURT, and I think her children now own the Sag Harbour House Luann lives in as a result. Lu seems close to her daughter still, but her HOT SON Noel is another story - rumours have flown around that he has disowned Luann for a while now.
- I must also broach Luann's more problematic elements, although I wish they hadn't happened. Most recently she's been embroiled in racial insensitivity with new castmate Eboni, but that THANKFULLY seems to have settled down somewhat now. She once came to a party dressed as Diana Ross in an outfit which certainly approached blackface, and she once did a very troublesome Native American impression at a dinner party (although Luann has mentioned many times she has Native American heritage of her own, but I'm not sure if this really excuses it). She's never strayed enough over the line to be cancelled - and these are all moments of Luann's pigheaded ignorance rather than genuine intended malice...but I do wish she'd GET IT TOGETHER on social issues a bit more, especially for somebody who claims to be an expert of etiquette
- She's very horny and has no shame in being QUITE STRONG WILLED when it comes to men that she fancies, and her attempts at ensnaring them.
- I have 'bologna sandwich with mustard packet inside' as part of my Luann notes? Does ANYBODY know what this may refer to?
- Ramona's husband Mario called Luann "Count-less" which really made me lol
- At the season 3 fashion show, I love the scene where Kelly is desperately trying to crawl to Luann and she asks her if she can call her "Countess", and Luann replies absolutely DELIGHTED "
Well...that is my name!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJbOF7BKXnU
For me, Luann is the ultimate reality TV star. She is a true GAY ICON, and her ridiculous life, dramas, failings and comebacks really make her something of a MODERN DAY JUDY GARLAND.
I roll my eyes whenever people suggest she's on her last season of the show - one should know, never count out the countess DARLING.
A true icon of the genre, and absolutely my number 1 real Housewife of all time.
VIVA LA DIVA LUANN de LESSEPS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh1WRlv_hYc
QUEEN!
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