Girls it's time for you to vote for this years EUROVSION ICON. I have carefully considered your nominations and have produced the following shortlist, you have 72 hours to vote. Please find below a brief RECAP of all our nominations.
Vasil Garvanliev aka BASIL
North Macedonia’s MESSIEST BOTTOM, wormed his way into our hearts with a touching tale about how he wrote ‘Here I Stand’ during an emotionally challenging song-writing session on a WINNET. BASIL, who causes a lot of drama in his personal life, endured a number of controversies in the run-up to his highly anticipated semi-final performance (15th place). As he will tell you for the millionth time over a bottle of Pinot Grigio ‘Drama just seems to FOLLOW ME AROUND’. He faced being withdrawn by the North Macedonian Delegation after it was suggested his video showed support for Bulgaria, due to some unfortunately coloured Art. The MINISTER OF DEFENCE for Bulgaria got involved in the controversy, and rather threateningly stated that if Macedonia disqualifies him he will represent Bulgaria instead.
Luckily this controversy passed, however messy queen BASIL, caused more drama by STEALING Dotter’s Melfest staging, and in the run up to the show, in a last ditch attempt to drum up publicity shocked the world by sensationally coming out as, GAY.
Of course Basil, is not just a singer, he’s quite clearly an ARTISTE, as his CEREBRAL and DYNAMIC press photos quite clearly show.
An icon for all of us who aspire to be unnecessarily EXTRA in all aspects of our lives, but will he be YOUR Eurovsion icon 2021?
Senhit aka S.Hit aka THE SIN
Senhit exploded into Eurovsion season with a happy-go-lucky demeanour, a ludicrous guest star and a frankly bizarre series of Eurovision videos entitled ‘Freaky trip to Rotterdam’. Unfortunately things took a darker turn in the last few days of the season when her connection to the secretive and malevolent PANINI corporation came to light. I think a helpful recap of what we learned is in order here.
- The Panini sticker corporation launched a record label 17 years ago for the sole purpose of releasing Senhit’s musical output.
- The Panini corporation appears to be run by a trio of power lesbian sisters (the mysterious BARONIs) all 3 of which are engaged in a polyamorous relationship with Senhit.
- Senhit lives in a penthouse above the Panini sticker factory.
- The Panini corporation enlisted Flo Rida as a guest star in order to launder money into the US for the Mafia.
- Senhit goes by the code name THE SIN, and is trying to take down the catholic church with her own range of branded condoms.
The role of the famous KETTERING TWINK in this global conspiracy is still unknown, but it is believed he is part of a global network of sleeper agent twinks the Panini corporation employs to spread disinformation to obscure its shadowy dealings.
Unfortunately literal MILLIONS OF EUROS, an engaging performance, undisputed BOP of a song, a fading rap star 10 years past his prime and the backing of BIG STICKER were not enough to secure victory for poor Senhit, who finished 22ndon the night. However she cemented her place as a Eurovision icon, but is she THE Eurovision icon?
A cautionary tale perhaps, we are taught to believe that ALL you need to succeed is MONEY, POWER, and CONNECTIONS, if S.hit can’t succeed, what hope is there for the rest of us? Maybe money ISN’T ALL THAT matters?
On the over hand next up we have
Natalia Gordienko
WHO ON EARTH IS THIS BITCH FUCKING!
God dammit.
Natalia has had quite the journey. Let’s start with her Beckettian super-spreader launch party, hosted not in Moldova, but 1145km away in Moscow, alongside her handler, Russian childcatcher Phillipp Kirkorov. A 7 hour spectacular of slideshows and interpretative dance that dragged on into the middle of night, only to culminate in a premiere of the VIDEO of the song, despite Natalia being live on stage. This may have not been a good omen, but the video certainly was.
High budget, concept driven, and visually compelling, it really brought LIFE to Sugar, a chorus-less instrumental driven BANGER about sugar (but not the kind you put in your tea!) Given Moldova’s track record we were really expecting a TITS-OUT EXTRAVAGANZA for the live performance.
Unfortunately it wasn’t to be.
Whereas Senhit threw everything and the loft apartment above a sticker factory KITCHEN SINK, at her performance, there seemed to have been a budget crisis with Natalia’s stage show, with her until this point seemingly plentiful FUNDS being mysteriously re-directed somewhere else.
In the absence of a stage show, noted POP-GHOUL Phillip loaded Natalia up on SUGAR, threw her on stage with a limp dance routine, and decided the best way to make an impact was to attempt a GUINESS RECORD OF WORLD, and sing the longest note EVER at Eurovision, and by now we’ve all seen the 13 second clips of this 17 second POWER NOTE.
Despite a shocking semi final performance in which she forgot to sing the one word chorus she SOMEHOW comfortably made it into the final, and finished a respectable 13th, astonishingly ahead of Elena, Hurricane, Efendi and Senhit. She was last seen alive on stage at the final and has rather worryingly NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE, including missing both of her 12 (!) points announcements.
Her icon status is undeniable, to quote wurst, never has someone delivered SO MUCH, by doing SO LITTLE.
Almost the polar opposite of…
Samanta Tina aka SAM TEEN, aka QUEEN OF THE NIGHT
WHERE THE FUCK DO WE BEGIN HERE?
Unlike Natalia, who seems to have accidentally stumbled her way into Eurovision as part of an almighty drug bender that saw who ricochet between Moscow, Beirut, Rotterdam and a meat-grinder, Sam Teen has been attempting to get to Eurovision for several years, however she truly burst onto the Moopy ICON SCENE with here now, legendary, superlative, astonishing, groudbreaking, earth-shattering, era-defining, mind-bending, ROOFTOP PERFORMANCE.
As half the world remained under strict quarantine conditions and millions perished, one woman gave us all hope, with nothing more than a hairy catsuit, and a vocal that dances merrily along the border between powerful and terrifying.
Not to be outdone by noted SUGAR QUEEN Natalia, Sam Teen landed a quite an unbelievable number of junk food endorsements, determined to bring DIABETS to Latvia, Sam Teen made quite the name for herself flogging ice cream, kit-kats and crisps in the run up to the show.
Excitement for SAM TEEN’s next move was at fever pitch even before the release of her song, how could she possibly deliver music that lived up to all our expectations?
She managed this with the ‘Queen of the Night’ which arguably TRANSCENDED all our notions of what music could and should be. QUEEN TEEN has created her own genre of music which seems to combine screaming vocals, terrifying electronics, and badly translated instagram feminism, into fascinating NOISE ART.
Unfortunately this daring, challenging, DISRUPTIVE, work, did not connect with the European public, with poor SMANTA finishing last in her semi, which in typical SAM TEEN she owned with good grace.
In all seriousness there is something quite INSPIRING about Samanta, who has been working towards her dream for years, and ultimately achieved it with a song that was uniquely, unequivocally HER.
Kateryna Pavlenko aka RAVEN QUEEN
Compared to the preposterous antics of the previous 4, I’m at a bit of a loss to explain the RAVEN QUEEN, who more than anyone just seems to EMBODY ICON. She barely moves, BARELY SPEAKS, but has seduced us with nothing more than a SEDUCTIVE, BONE CHILLING GLARE.
Perhaps her icon status doesn’t need explaining, as one look at her and you instantly FEEL IT, her penetrating glare not bothering to ask for CONSENT.
I think it best just to finish with the following image.
Vasil Garvanliev aka BASIL
North Macedonia’s MESSIEST BOTTOM, wormed his way into our hearts with a touching tale about how he wrote ‘Here I Stand’ during an emotionally challenging song-writing session on a WINNET. BASIL, who causes a lot of drama in his personal life, endured a number of controversies in the run-up to his highly anticipated semi-final performance (15th place). As he will tell you for the millionth time over a bottle of Pinot Grigio ‘Drama just seems to FOLLOW ME AROUND’. He faced being withdrawn by the North Macedonian Delegation after it was suggested his video showed support for Bulgaria, due to some unfortunately coloured Art. The MINISTER OF DEFENCE for Bulgaria got involved in the controversy, and rather threateningly stated that if Macedonia disqualifies him he will represent Bulgaria instead.
Luckily this controversy passed, however messy queen BASIL, caused more drama by STEALING Dotter’s Melfest staging, and in the run up to the show, in a last ditch attempt to drum up publicity shocked the world by sensationally coming out as, GAY.
Of course Basil, is not just a singer, he’s quite clearly an ARTISTE, as his CEREBRAL and DYNAMIC press photos quite clearly show.
An icon for all of us who aspire to be unnecessarily EXTRA in all aspects of our lives, but will he be YOUR Eurovsion icon 2021?
Senhit aka S.Hit aka THE SIN
Senhit exploded into Eurovsion season with a happy-go-lucky demeanour, a ludicrous guest star and a frankly bizarre series of Eurovision videos entitled ‘Freaky trip to Rotterdam’. Unfortunately things took a darker turn in the last few days of the season when her connection to the secretive and malevolent PANINI corporation came to light. I think a helpful recap of what we learned is in order here.
- The Panini sticker corporation launched a record label 17 years ago for the sole purpose of releasing Senhit’s musical output.
- The Panini corporation appears to be run by a trio of power lesbian sisters (the mysterious BARONIs) all 3 of which are engaged in a polyamorous relationship with Senhit.
- Senhit lives in a penthouse above the Panini sticker factory.
- The Panini corporation enlisted Flo Rida as a guest star in order to launder money into the US for the Mafia.
- Senhit goes by the code name THE SIN, and is trying to take down the catholic church with her own range of branded condoms.
The role of the famous KETTERING TWINK in this global conspiracy is still unknown, but it is believed he is part of a global network of sleeper agent twinks the Panini corporation employs to spread disinformation to obscure its shadowy dealings.
Unfortunately literal MILLIONS OF EUROS, an engaging performance, undisputed BOP of a song, a fading rap star 10 years past his prime and the backing of BIG STICKER were not enough to secure victory for poor Senhit, who finished 22ndon the night. However she cemented her place as a Eurovision icon, but is she THE Eurovision icon?
A cautionary tale perhaps, we are taught to believe that ALL you need to succeed is MONEY, POWER, and CONNECTIONS, if S.hit can’t succeed, what hope is there for the rest of us? Maybe money ISN’T ALL THAT matters?
On the over hand next up we have
Natalia Gordienko
WHO ON EARTH IS THIS BITCH FUCKING!
God dammit.
Natalia has had quite the journey. Let’s start with her Beckettian super-spreader launch party, hosted not in Moldova, but 1145km away in Moscow, alongside her handler, Russian childcatcher Phillipp Kirkorov. A 7 hour spectacular of slideshows and interpretative dance that dragged on into the middle of night, only to culminate in a premiere of the VIDEO of the song, despite Natalia being live on stage. This may have not been a good omen, but the video certainly was.
High budget, concept driven, and visually compelling, it really brought LIFE to Sugar, a chorus-less instrumental driven BANGER about sugar (but not the kind you put in your tea!) Given Moldova’s track record we were really expecting a TITS-OUT EXTRAVAGANZA for the live performance.
Unfortunately it wasn’t to be.
Whereas Senhit threw everything and the loft apartment above a sticker factory KITCHEN SINK, at her performance, there seemed to have been a budget crisis with Natalia’s stage show, with her until this point seemingly plentiful FUNDS being mysteriously re-directed somewhere else.
In the absence of a stage show, noted POP-GHOUL Phillip loaded Natalia up on SUGAR, threw her on stage with a limp dance routine, and decided the best way to make an impact was to attempt a GUINESS RECORD OF WORLD, and sing the longest note EVER at Eurovision, and by now we’ve all seen the 13 second clips of this 17 second POWER NOTE.
Despite a shocking semi final performance in which she forgot to sing the one word chorus she SOMEHOW comfortably made it into the final, and finished a respectable 13th, astonishingly ahead of Elena, Hurricane, Efendi and Senhit. She was last seen alive on stage at the final and has rather worryingly NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE, including missing both of her 12 (!) points announcements.
Her icon status is undeniable, to quote wurst, never has someone delivered SO MUCH, by doing SO LITTLE.
Almost the polar opposite of…
Samanta Tina aka SAM TEEN, aka QUEEN OF THE NIGHT
WHERE THE FUCK DO WE BEGIN HERE?
Unlike Natalia, who seems to have accidentally stumbled her way into Eurovision as part of an almighty drug bender that saw who ricochet between Moscow, Beirut, Rotterdam and a meat-grinder, Sam Teen has been attempting to get to Eurovision for several years, however she truly burst onto the Moopy ICON SCENE with here now, legendary, superlative, astonishing, groudbreaking, earth-shattering, era-defining, mind-bending, ROOFTOP PERFORMANCE.
As half the world remained under strict quarantine conditions and millions perished, one woman gave us all hope, with nothing more than a hairy catsuit, and a vocal that dances merrily along the border between powerful and terrifying.
Not to be outdone by noted SUGAR QUEEN Natalia, Sam Teen landed a quite an unbelievable number of junk food endorsements, determined to bring DIABETS to Latvia, Sam Teen made quite the name for herself flogging ice cream, kit-kats and crisps in the run up to the show.
Excitement for SAM TEEN’s next move was at fever pitch even before the release of her song, how could she possibly deliver music that lived up to all our expectations?
She managed this with the ‘Queen of the Night’ which arguably TRANSCENDED all our notions of what music could and should be. QUEEN TEEN has created her own genre of music which seems to combine screaming vocals, terrifying electronics, and badly translated instagram feminism, into fascinating NOISE ART.
Unfortunately this daring, challenging, DISRUPTIVE, work, did not connect with the European public, with poor SMANTA finishing last in her semi, which in typical SAM TEEN she owned with good grace.
In all seriousness there is something quite INSPIRING about Samanta, who has been working towards her dream for years, and ultimately achieved it with a song that was uniquely, unequivocally HER.
Kateryna Pavlenko aka RAVEN QUEEN
Compared to the preposterous antics of the previous 4, I’m at a bit of a loss to explain the RAVEN QUEEN, who more than anyone just seems to EMBODY ICON. She barely moves, BARELY SPEAKS, but has seduced us with nothing more than a SEDUCTIVE, BONE CHILLING GLARE.
Perhaps her icon status doesn’t need explaining, as one look at her and you instantly FEEL IT, her penetrating glare not bothering to ask for CONSENT.
I think it best just to finish with the following image.
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