Moopyvision 2000-2009: Round 5 - Croatia, Latvia, Serbia & Montenegro RESULTS

2nd: No Name - Zauvijek moja (149pts)
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To this day, I have absolutely no idea what on earth this is about - or more to the point, why it's by a boy band who go absolutely militant as fuck halfway through it all. Obviously, some kind of homoerotic subtext is the natural one to reach for. However, over the course of this round I've come to settle on what I have decided can actually be the only answer.

Despite stern EBU strictures against political content in songs, No Name decided in the year 2005 to send the ultimate perfect Act 1 closer for a musical about the IMMORTAL SCIENCE OF MARXISM-LENINISM - a brave act at the best of times, but not least in the 00s and from a country which had shaken off communism just over a decade prior. Jumping around the stage and taking up the drums during the instrumental middle eight, as a metaphor for Stalin and Lenin deciding during the 1905 Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Party in London that communism was in fact the only answer for Russia, No Name powerfully summed up the spirit of a century prior and the hope and faith in the power of the international working class that would eventually overpower the Nazi menace, being rewarded with 7th place and the Marcel Bezençon Award.

Either that or it was just a love song that they decided to make a bit dramatic. But I think mine sounds better

7 x 12 (Penelope, Suomi, VoR, auretz, Jacques, David 5000, dmlaw)
3 x 3 (Ill Advised, ZenGiraffe, Tisch)
 
1st: Andrea Demirović - Just Get Out of My Life (159pts)
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Oh you basic fucking bitches :D

To be fair to the Montenegrins, getting in Ralph Siegel for a tacky disco banger bearing more than a passing resemblance to Hot Stuff really is about as close as you can get to going a full 180 on two sludge-rock DNQs - and you could be forgiven for thinking it nearly did the business, coming eleventh in its semi (albeit in a year when only the top 9 in the televote qualified, and finishing quite some way off ninth place).

This is obviously an unforgiveably poor load of old nonsense, but good value entertainment for it all at the very least - the not even FAINTLY plausibly heterosexual backing dancer! The utterly ludicrous codependent 'OR JUST STAY!' in the last few seconds undoing the ENTIRE LYRICAL CONCEIT of the whole song! I imagine this hasn't got the faintest hope of making it out of the Moopyvision 00s semis as and when we get there (current forecast: SOMETIME APRIL 2022), but goodness me if it isn't one of my favourite qualifiers to make it so far just for the sheer GALL of it all :D ALL TOGETHER NOW - EVERYBODY'S SAYING YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A PRISON- :disco:

9 x 12 (Soldi, Music, win_the_game, Diddy, Ill Advised, Pingu, ZenGiraffe, Kevin7, Tisch)
3 x 3 (Queen of the Bay, ButterTart, dmlaw)
 
JGGOOML was a great show opener too. Almost Melfest-esque in that it was a bit of light toot that had no future but worked well to ease you into proceedings. :disco:
 
Found it hard to comment on the Serbian result yesterday and still struggling today.
 
10th: Cosmos - I Hear Your Heart (31pts)
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If you want a statement of evidence for the sheer unacceptability of a cappella groups - at Eurovision! in general! - I'm not sure you could find a much more profound one than being placed a distant last place in the line-up of Latvian Eurovision entries during the 00s.

You can almost, almost understand why the UK got the mother of all chips on its shoulder about the contest around about this time. I mean, say what you will about Daz Sampson, but coming below this pish would be enough to make you want to watch the whole thing burn.

1 x 6 (@Mulled_wine_and_game...)
9 x 0 (VoR, Music, auretz, ButterTart, Jacques, Diddy, dmlaw, ZenGiraffe, Tisch)
 
9th: Fomins & Kleins - Dziesma par laimi (64pts)
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Probably boasting one of the limpest sounding live intros the contest has ever heard, this was given the job of getting the Latvians out of the first ever Eurovision semi-final after F.L.Y's mortifying 5 point haul on home ground the year before, and summarily failed miserably and ended up 17th. This is still to date the only entry Latvia's ever sent in the Latvian language, and well, with this as precedent...

God knows what @Suomi saw in this, but I'll leave him to explain.

1 x 10 (@Suomi)
2 x 0 (@Kevin7, @Tetris-Rock)
 
8th: Intars Busulis - Probka (70pts)
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Looking faintly like Robin Bengtsson the wrong side of a crack habit, this has the unlovely accolade of being my least favourite Eurovision entry of the decade. Russian for 'traffic jam', the point of this shouty chaotic piss cancer was apparently to actually simulate the stress and frustration of being stuck in a traffic jam and the modern world (:rolleyes:), with an all-too clever "look, I actually know how to write music!" 7/4 time signature thrown in to boot. Sadly, at no point does anyone seem to have asked why exactly you'd want to make people listen to something that sounded as fucking horrible as being stuck in traffic.

Thankfully this useless cunt's tuneless yelling got dismissed out of hand, finishing last in its semi with just 7 points. All of you who gave this more than a 6 have been PUT ON A LIST :hitler:

1 x 10 (auretz)
4 x 0 (Penelope, Soldi, David 5000, Pingu)
 
I remember very little about Probka but I gave it 5 so it can’t have been that hateful.
 
7th: Walters & Kazha - The War Is Not Over (78pts)
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The one that looked like Eoghan Quigg/RobotBoy is dead and the other one now works in the European Parliament for the Latvian Tories. Let us at least be thankful that the age when sending this kind of emetic gloop with a gimmick as weak sauce as doing sign language was enough to get an easy ticket to the top five is long over.

2 x 10 (David 5000, Jacques :eyes:)
1 x 1 (dmlaw)
 
9th: Fomins & Kleins - Dziesma par laimi (64pts)
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Probably boasting one of the limpest sounding live intros the contest has ever heard, this was given the job of getting the Latvians out of the first ever Eurovision semi-final after F.L.Y's mortifying 5 point haul on home ground the year before, and summarily failed miserably and ended up 17th. This is still to date the only entry Latvia's ever sent in the Latvian language, and well, with this as precedent...

God knows what @Suomi saw in this, but I'll leave him to explain.

1 x 10 (@Suomi)
2 x 0 (@Kevin7, @Tetris-Rock)
Beautiful melody
 
6th: Arnis Mednis - Too Much (94pts)
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Oh Moopy, this one's FAR too low!

I can see how the portly middle-aged man aesthetics might instinctively repel the average Moopy viewer, but for my pink pound this partied-up ode to ruining your prospective marriage through binge drinking (no comment on @Suomi's 12 :basil:) was one of the big joys of this round - not least the backing singer goat yodelling her way through the call-and-response bits, summoning the spirit of Saule riet at least a decade before time (and honestly, I'm not entirely certain that ISN'T actually Olga there on backing duties).

Miraculously Arnis still seems to be alive and well in his 60s now, but if this is anything to go by I wouldn't rule out things turning towards the MACEDONIAN end of the former Eurovision contestant spectrum in the near future...

1 x 12 (Suomi)
3 x 0 (Queen of the Bay, Ill Advised, Madison)
 
5th: bonaparti.lv - Questa notte (103pts)
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Nobody's favourite, but middling out through (I sense) sheer professionalism - though the less said about those jeans, the better - this induced stirring and squawking in the lead-up to Helsinki that we were possibly on for a second Latvian victory in the space of five years.

Thankfully the public gave the notion pretty short shrift, consigning this to a lowly 16th on the night, but the impulse that had this contending in the odds eventually bit back with a vengeance in a big way eight years later once Il Volo entered - and I have an inkling this might be the sort of thing that the voting public is generally a bit puzzled by when it's coming from anywhere other than Italy. Or possibly just coming from anyone with a backing track this bontempi...

Interestingly, this actually started out life as a Melodifestivalen reject demo'ed by a Swedish female nobody called Sandra Oldenstam more in the vein of La forza (sadly untraceable online), and I imagine essentially everyone here will agree with me that it's a dying shame we aren't reviewing THAT instead.

4 x 10 (Queen of the Bay, ButterTart, Pingu, Madison)
6 x 1 (Suomi, VoR, win_the_game, auretz, Ill Advised, Tetris-Rock)
 
4th: Marie N - I Wanna (127pts)
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Another one that upholds a long-held contest tradition: if you want to win Eurovision, GO LESBIAN.

Still one of the least-celebrated winners in Eurovision history - not even making the top 20 on Latvia's own charts at the time, and capable to this day of dissolving @SilVoR Bells into a crimson bulb of spitting fury on its mere mention - Latvia's sole victory bow certainly doesn't have many ready defenders in the year 2021. So, let me attempt to argue it: the case for I Wanna (or I Wonna, as it was sumptuously spackily named at the national final stage).

1. It's more fun, catchy, and suffused with the spirit of Eurovision than at least three other winners this decade
2. The performance itself is, by any metric, absolutely masterful at working to keep the viewer's attention, telling a story and building to a satisfying finish (if the likes of Xandee - 1 Life had put in THIS much work, they probably wouldn't have been rounding out their nights in the bottom 5!)
3. As @Tetris-Rock pointed out to me the other week, it's actually quite strikingly progressive considering we're talking 2002, and considering we're talking Latvia - a country where Pride marches couldn't even go ahead without attempts at denying public permission (or opposition from figures as high up as the *actual Prime Minister*) until the end of the decade.

Anyway. Slightly dated out the gate it may have been, and eternally resented for denying Malta their one likely realistic bash they'll get at the crown forevermore, I Wanna will never be truly loved by the fanbase at large - but really, you could do much worse as winners go.

2 x 12 (David 5000, Soldi)
2 x 1 (Queen of the Bay, ButterTart)
 
4th: Marie N - I Wanna (127pts)
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Another one that upholds a long-held contest tradition: if you want to win Eurovision, GO LESBIAN.

Still one of the least-celebrated winners in Eurovision history - not even making the top 20 on Latvia's own charts at the time, and capable to this day of dissolving @VoR into crimson bulb of spitting fury on its mere mention - Latvia's sole victory bow certainly doesn't have many ready defenders in the year 2021. So, let me attempt to argue it: the case for I Wanna (or I Wonna, as it was sumptuously spackily named at the national final stage).

1. It's more fun, catchy, and suffused with the spirit of Eurovision than at least three other winners this decade
2. The performance itself is, by any metric, absolutely masterful at working to keep the viewer's attention, telling a story and building to a satisfying finish
3. As @Tetris-Rock pointed out to me the other week, it's actually quite strikingly progressive considering we're talking 2002, and considering we're talking Latvia - a country where Pride marches couldn't even go ahead without attempts at denying public permission (or opposition from figures as high up as the *actual Prime Minister*) until the end of the decade.

Anyway. Slightly dated out the gate it may have been, and eternally resented for denying Malta their one likely realistic bash they'll get at the crown forevermore, I Wanna will never be truly loved by the fanbase at large - but really, you could do much worse as winners go.

2 x 12 (David 5000, Soldi)
2 x 1 (Queen of the Bay, ButterTart)
THIS sack of shit. Estonia say that we’ve got the worst Eurovision winner ever. Latvia say “hold my beer”.
 
I do still resent it greatly, but I could not in good conscience rank it bottom 3 here considering the company it kept.
 
Oh, ButterTart's going to LOVE THIS :disco:

Finishing a mere twelve points off victory, it's -

3rd: Pirates of the Sea - Wolves of the Sea (146pts)
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What are some of my favourite things about common framework 'Pirates of the Sea' and their (inevitably) Swede-penned ditty?

1. One of them was literally recycled straight from bonaparti.lv into this :basil:
2. One of them is, of course, now DEAD (I *think* the one that looks like @Sheena troweled on a yard of eyeliner?)
3. The absolutely aghast review from @Jacques at how well this did in comparison to Scooch during the voting - and really, morally, is he WRONG?
4. The absolutely aghast review from @Suomi while giving this 0, on the basis that it took points away from Charlotte Perrelli ("I know she got all the 12s, but she could have been given more - why didn't she get all the points")
5. The explosion that's going to happen in about two minutes the second a few select members see where this has finished :disco:

8 x 12 (Music, auretz, ButterTart, Diddy, dmlaw, ZenGiraffe, Kevin7, Tisch)
2 x 0 (Suomi, win_the_game)
 
Soldi to perform a sultry Moopy Karaoke reading of Hello From Mars with Tisch and Iguana at the FIRST possible opportunity please
 
I am unhappy that Too Much couldn’t win, but I’m thrilled to have taken down Pirates of the Sea with it
 
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